Monday 6:54 PM. Waban, Mass
Perpetrator: Black Volvo

Locale:

 

To anyone not from Massachusetts, allow me to share this bit of information with you: Massachusetts has some weird-ass town names. After a lovely family lunch at my aunt and uncle's house, I began my trek home from Waban. Yes. That's an actual place. Go ahead, try and say it as if your tongue wasn't numb. I'll wait.

 

All set? Good. Now, I'm coming up to this intersection and I'm going right. I don't know much about the area, so I have my trusty Garmin leading the way. Fortunately for me, all the traffic was in the center lane. Unfortunately for me, the Volvo in front of me wasn't sure where to go.

 

This picture is actually perfect, as that curb right in front of you is the exact curb I almost hit trying to go around this clown. The line of traffic was backed up to just about where the car in the picture is. As the Volvo pulls up to this line, he starts to drift to the right, and then stops. If you drew a line all the way back from the right turn lane up ahead, he would be sitting on top of it. Now, it was later at night, but isn't it safe to assume that if there are at least two lanes up ahead, that the one on the left would be the straight lane? Surely there can't be that many people trying to take a left there. Not only that, but from this picture, it is clear that there is a left turn lane as well. Now, it may have been dark, but I feel like he must have been able to see tail lights to the right and left of the huge line of cars he got behind. You have  to realize at this point that the right lane is a right only. Maybe that's just me.

Casual Friday 9.14.12

I really wish I could have gotten a picture of today's winner. Now, viewing from the outside, I kind of get the whole "Biker Mentality." There's something about owning a motorcycle that demands a certain kind of respect. If you roll up to a place on a Harley Davidson and you're not wearing some form of leather on your person, you're probably going to get looked at funny. There's this whole "walk the walk" idea that you need to abide by when you have a motorcycle. I feel like this guy was trying a bit too hard though.

So I'm merging into a rotary and I see this motorcycle coming. Mounted right above the headlight on the front of the bike was a set of steer horns. Big ones. Like the kind you'd see at a Longhorn Steakhouse. I'm not sure how the bike was able to stay balanced with these big honkin horns (pun intended) but it was working. I certainly didn't want to cut that guy off.

Thursday 8:29 AM. Chelsea, Mass
Perpetrator: Silver Camry

Locale:

Highway merging. To this day, I still really hate highway merging. I hated it when I was learning to drive, I hate it now, and I'll probably always hate it. I feel like highways need those things that the Matchbox cars had to launch you foward onto the road. My biggest issues are:

1. Trying to line up with the cars that are already coming, especially when it's hard to see the road you're merging with.
2. People who don't f*cking yield.
3. When an entrance ramp and an exit ramp share the same lane. Whoever designed highway exits like that should be shot.

Rant aside, today's winner had a wonderful combination of moves. So as he merges on, he tries to slingshot around the person behind me. This lady is not having it. It's awesome to watch. I see her flailing her arms back and forth as if to say to the guy: "Hey asshole! You yield to me."

Then, as the road allows, he goes on to do something that I see just about every day. It blows. My. Mind.

People, shortly after this picture here, will drive into the breakdown lane and ride it to the next exit. Normally, not so bad. In this case however, the next exit is .8 miles away from where this picture is. As if that weren't enough, there is another exit further up that merges again. It's the absolute dumbest thing, and day in day out people do it. If that doesn't sound so bad, let me show you just how long .8 miles feels in this traffic. For your viewing pleasure:

  

Wednesday 5:17 PM. Brookline MA
Perpetrator: Fire Truck

Locale:

 

Let me start off by saying that I have a ton of respect for the people who put themselves in harms way to help the public good. I think that Firefighters, Police Officers, and Paramedics are all heroes in their own right. This entry is more a reflection on us normal folk rather than these people.

 

So as I'm making my way out of the city, I turn on to this street and there is a fire truck parked in the right lane with its lights flashing. Now, I'm not one of the aforementioned people who deserve respect and admiration, so I have no idea how these types of things proceed. I do know however that firetrucks, ambulances, and cops are all called to emergencies even when one party may not be necessary. So the fire truck is parked here, and there are a bunch of cars trying to go around it.

 

Now, it's reasonable to assume that we, as cognitive, licensed human beings, could efficiently maneuver around a parked truck. Sadly, this is not the case. This truck caused mass confusion as to who could go and when. I think that maybe it is not such a reach to think that after a situation has been assessed, that they could spare one member with authority to aid us useless lemmings in navigating a two way street.

Tuesday 12:26 PM. Brookline, Mass
Perpetrator: Black Honda Civic

Locale:

I always joke about how I have impeccable timing. Well, it's days like today that just reinforce my belief. Not only was I able to snag the only open spot in the parking lot behind my building after moving my car, but I walked by just in time to see today's winner. What a winner he was.

So this is the view from our winner's point of view. As you can all see, there is a clear "no left turn" arrow right in front of us. The reason for there is only room for incoming traffic on that little stretch of road coming across the train tracks.

I think you all know where this is going.

"Dan," you are probably saying to yourself, "is turning left on a no left turn really worthy of your blog entry for the day?" Oh no, dear readers, it is who was standing at that very intersection that made it worthy. You see, this particular stretch of road was under construction. Posted at every construction site in the area? A cop.

That's right. Our genius goes left at a no left directly in front of the cop. Well, our uniformed friend isn't letting that fly. He yells at him to stop, and orders him to back up, and continue straight down the road. It takes a special kind of stupid to break the law in front of a police officer. The kind that gets you an entry for the day.

Monday 8:34 AM. Boston, Mass
Perpetrator: Blue BMW

Locale:

 

Well I was asking for that alright. What was I thinking? Posting a joke about a BMW driver for last Friday. I should have known that the universe would, in a cruel act of irony, give me a douchey BMW driver to start my week.

 

Pictured above is the rather hellish intersection which is the bane of all who drive through it. Seriously. This was where an bus driver, I shit you not, tried to run over her boss for issuing her a ticket while she was parked in the left lane eating breakfast. I decided to give you all my own story rather than reporting that one when it happened, but now seemed like a good time to reference it.

 

Anyways, I'm in the lane currently occupied by the black car in the picture. The BMW was in front of me, and had just changed into the lane to the left. Now, you may not be able to tell, but at this intersection the leftmost lane turns left, the second lane in goes straight or left, next goes straight, and the last to the right. As we're coming up to the intersection, the BMW suddenly swings back in front of me and heads down the road to the right.

 

I understand realizing at the last minute where you need to go, but don't commit to a lane that has no chance of getting you where you want to be. Use a bit of foresight if you can. Unless you want to end up here.

Casual Friday 9.8.12

In case anyone has never been, www.cracked.com is one of the best websites in existence. I enjoy their articles so much, I often find myself going back and re-reading articles I enjoyed. In addition, the writers for the site have, without a doubt, influenced my writing style, especially when it comes to this blog. So imagine my joy when I saw this in one of the articles I read this week:

Thank you cracked.

Thursday 8:40 AM. Brookline, Mass
Perpetrator: White Construction Truck

Locale:

Well, this morning was a treat. For the first time since I've done these photo posts, I was actually able to take the picture of the winner myself.

So I parked here to go to Dunkin, which is just off camera. I wait in a line of two people, get my coffee, and come out to this. If you can't tell from the picture, I am parked at the end of the curb, and it is clearly stated that you can't park where this guy is parked. He's effectively parked in the right lane of a two lane road, and I'm stuck in between him and the car behind me.

I go up to ask him to move, and I see that there is no one in the car.

Awesome.

Thankfully, there was someone in the car behind me. I got in my car and put it in reverse, and she gave me enough room to do what had to be a 7 point turn just to pull out into the road. I understand that these guys need to move this stuff, but come on. Don't park your truck illegally and leave it there. Unless of course you want to win the blog entry for the day.

Wednesday 8:47 AM. Boston, Mass
Perpetrator: Black Volvo

Locale:

Traffic Quiz: Do stop signs and red lights have the same traffic rules?

If you said no, then you are correct. You are also someone who knows how to drive. You probably wonder why I would ask such a ridiculous question. Unfortunately for, well, mankind as a whole, our winner today thought the answer was yes.

So this view isn't ideal for the setup, but we'll make it work. Ahead of us are four lanes of incoming traffic. The one on the left is the one I take to go to work, and I am stopped in the left (from this view the right) lane behind our winner. Our light is currently red, and the cars from the two lanes from the right have a green one.

Now, at this intersection, you can go straight across heading directly at the camera, or you can turn left down this little road on the immediate right of the camera. Well, our winner didn't feel like waiting for our own green light. He decides to go through the intersection and turn down that road, as cars are about to slam into him from the other lane. I hope that wherever he was going, it was imperative that he get there immediately.

Tuesday 2:06 PM. Brookline, Mass
Perpetrator: Brookline City Development Committee

Locale:

 

 

Happy Tuesday Everyone! Since yesterday was a holiday, I took the day off from my vigilant patrol of traffic idiocy. I saw some things up in Burlington Vermont over the weekend that were certainly blog worthy, but I decided to give them a break. On to today's post.

 

Oh man. Am I glad that google cam caught this one. So, here I am heading to a doctor's appointment. I need to go down the street by the CVS straight ahead in this picture. I glance to the right and see that there is no left turn. So naturally, I assume that in order to go straight across by the CVS, I need to be in the left lane.

 

Now I understand when people get in the wrong lanes to go to places. It bugs me, but I get that it happens. That's why I always look when I'm coming up to intersections to see if the lanes are specified to only be for a certain direction. So as I came up to this intersection, I got into the left lane after seeing the No Left Turn sign.

 

I was quite surprised to see both cars in front of me with their left blinkers on. I thought: "oh, here we go. We got a pair of winners here." Then I looked again at the sign. In case you haven't noticed by now, underneath the arrow, and underneath the big bold words that say "NO LEFT TURN" is smaller print that says "4pm - 6pm."

 

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like when I'm driving, especially if the light is green, I'm only glancing quickly to see the picture showing no left turn, and assuming that it means all the time. If it is just me, then I guess that I'm my own winner for the day. Since it's my blog, I'm giving it to whoever set up these signs like this.

Casual Friday 8.31.12

If you've never been to Boston, or Massachusetts in general...hell, if you've never crossed the street with someone from Massachussetts, then know this: We cross the street whenever we damn well please. The more crowded the area, the more disregard for traffic we have. "Cars need to yield to us," we think, "so I'll just cross right now." Despite all of this, Jaywalking is actually an infraction of the law. There's even a fine associated with it. "How much?" you may ask, assuming such a commonplace infraction is bound to generate big money if enforced. How much?
One

Single

Dollar

Well, as I'm walking to lunch I see a guy cross diagonally through an intersection, in front of traffic that has a green light. Lo and behold there is a cop on the adjacent corner who sees him cross!

 

What does the cop say?

"Hey! Hey buddy! How bout you use a crosswalk next time?"

Seriously people. What's the point?

Thursday 1:27 PM. Brookline, Mass.
Perpetrator: Single Unit Truck

Locale:

It's always nice when people respect the law in Massachusetts and yield to pedestrians.

It's always obnoxious when people break the law in Massachusetts and block an intersection.

Now imagine my confusion as to how to feel, as today's winner did both.
I'm crossing from the corner across the street of the corner this shot is taken from. As I'm waiting for the light to change, I see this little old lady, stopped just about where the woman with the two shopping bags is located. She is at the divider in the road, waiting to finish crossing, as the lights we are looking at are red, and cars are crossing through perpendicular to us. Now, the cars that have already made it through the intersection are stopped all the way to the crosswalk, so the next vehicle that comes, stops to let this lady cross. Unfortunately, it was a single unit truck. To add to the misfortune, the light cycle changes, and the truck is now in the middle of the intersection, unable to cross due to both cars and pedestrians.

Imagine sitting in your car where this shot is positioned, but instead of what you see now, you see the side of a truck taking up the entire intersection. Not only that, but you know there is a green light on the other side. If it were me in the car, I would have lost it at that point. Not only because I know there's absolutely no way for me to go right now, but also, because I have no shot at beating that guy to be today's winner.


Author's Note: I use map images for these entries, so no. I have no clue how the car on the left isn't being hit by that subway.

Wednesday 5:47 PM. Revere, MA
Perpetrator: White Company Van

Locale:

 

Not too shabby. Alright readers. Here's the new layout. I was rather pleased with the picture from yesterday, so I decided to do it again today, and I think it really captures things better. You guys can let me know in the comments or on Facebook/Twitter if you like the pictures.

 

Decisions, decisions. All that we do in life is based on decisions. Some you think about for a long time, and some you make in a fraction of a second. Its those ones you need to worry about.

 

Generally speaking, when going somewhere, I try to figure out where it is I need to be going before I get there. Now I'm not saying that I haven't realized that I need to go somewhere else and correct my path, but I generally do so as safely as possible. Well, our winner for today just seemed to want to dodge a bit of traffic. I'm in the right exit lane shown in the picture, just off camera from where the shot is. The van is in the middle lane, just ahead of the pole in the picture. As he is quickly approaching the wall of tail-lights in front of him, he suddenly swings right, cuts across the lane of traffic, and goes over the striped barrier, narrowly missing the curb with the exit sign on it. From where I was, it didn't even look like he could clear it from that angle. Sure enough, he did, and cut just in front of me on the exit. Somehow I don't think this guy desperately needed to make that exit. I think he just didn't feel like stopping. 

Tuesday 4:49 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Charles St. and Blossom St.
Perpetrator: Black Ford Pickup Truck

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Often times, when things are designed for one purpose, they are capable of doing similar functions, even though they weren't intended to do so. Can a chair be used as a stepladder? Sure. Should you use a chair as a stepladder? If it doesn't swivel, then that's probably a fair idea. So, if your car is designed to go over tough terrain, should you be unafraid of things in the road? Sure. Should you drive over whatever you want? Probably not.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So rather than try and describe where this took place, and what the circumstances were, here's a picture:

Now, it's probably easier to do this for every entry, but I didn't think that far ahead when I started the blog. So this is approximately where I am, except there are cars just about everywhere both on my side and on the other side of the divider. You may be wondering what this has to do with my rant from the beginning of the article. Well, positioned on the other side of that divider was a black pickup. Now, going back to what I was saying about can and should, this divider was certainly no problem for such a truck. His truck is designed for tough terrain, so it could probably drive over this bit of concrete. Does that mean he should do it?

Well, apparently he thought so. He drives up and over the curb, cuts in front of me, and drives down the street you can see the grey car turning down. Like I said, it all comes down to can versus should. Just because you can make my blog, doesn't mean you should try to.

Monday
Locale
Perpetrator

Hello everyone!
Sorry for being absent these two weeks. I was on vacation as of Friday the 10th, and being the awful blogger that I am, I forgot to tell you all. Fret not, I have returned and am ready to start telling you about all the ridiculous driving that I encounter. Knowing that it is a Monday, I am ready for anything. Anything except nothing.

That is, at best, a horrible example of sentence structure, English grammar, and conveyance all in one. Allow me to elaborate: I really didn't see much today that is worthy of the blog. Now, this is not to say that there weren't some bone-headed maneuvers. That goes without question. The thing is, the bar is starting to get pretty high for me. Most of what I saw are things that were overshadowed or even weaker versions of things I've talked about before. Needless to say, the first day back was much less than what I was hoping for. The one day I came to Boston during my break? Now that is a day worth writing about.

It starts, as many of these tales do, on the ramp outside the TD Garden, heading to Storrow Drive. I am coming around in the right lane, as I usually do, to avoid the left hand exit which never moves. The person ahead of me has the same plan. The only problem is that when the right lane becomes two, he is still driving down the middle of the road. He eventually drifts over, and as I go to pass him, I glance over. This guy, this wonderful example of driving excellence, is flossing. As in his teeth. I don't claim to be any type of authority on dental hygiene, and I certainly don't know where he was going that it was so crucial to floss, but I think flossing is a procedure that takes maybe two minutes. Dude, wait until you get where you're going, and floss then.

That would be enough for a normal day. This is my vacation though. Boston is going all out today, because she knows that this is the one time in these two weeks I'll be on her streets.

When I make it to Storrow drive, I'm relieved to find it moving at a pretty fair pace. I'm in the rightmost lane, and I see the person in the middle lane has their right blinker on. So I keep my pace behind them to allow them to go in front of me, and I wait. And wait....and wait. Where does the person decide to go? They turn into the left lane, right blinker flashing away.

So I finally make it to my favorite exit, and I know that much of this traffic is going to the Red Sox game that day. I thought the best way to do that was to either take the Fenway exit, or turn right off of the exit I took to head near Fenway for better parking. Apparently going straight through the exit I take is the better plan, as two cars in a row went straight through the right only.

Well played Boston. Well Played.

Casual Friday - 8.10.12
Everyone hates construction. From drivers, to cops, to pedestrians, construction just inconveniences everyone. I always assumed that it didn't bug the construction workers, as they're getting paid to do it. So as I'm walking by a construction site, I glance over to the workers sitting on the edge of this enourmous hole they have dug, chowing down on lunch. It was a bit tough to here, but this is the echange that happened next:

Supervisor: "Hey guys, I know you're on break, but I just wanted you to know that (I'm not sure who) is coming by in (some amount of time)."

Construction Guy: "You're F*cking right I'm on break! You think I give a damn about when (person) is coming? Do you see food in my hand!? That means I don't give a sh*t who is coming or when they're getting here. I don't care if f*cking Obama is coming, I'm on LUNCH!"

Apparently construction bothers even the workers themselves.

Thursday 8:47 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Charlesgate West and Beacon Street. Yeah, that intersection.
Perpetrator: Cranberry Ford Explorer and Blue BMW

I told you. To anyone that was watching that counter tick up and up on the side of the blog thinking: "Clearly this doesn't happen as much as he says it does."

Well today it happened.

That wouldn't normally be enough to warrant an entry though. I mean, I kept a counter up just to keep track of when it would happen next. I knew I was long overdue. It's the fact that the perpetrator was not alone in his bonehead maneuver.

So to anyone that is unaware, this intersection is three lanes: Straight, Right/Straight, or Right Only. My girlfriend is pointing out this Ford Explorer when suddenly my spider sense starts tingling. Alright. Not spider sense. I'm no superhero. I do have a keen sense of when stupid traffic performances are about to take place. For whatever reason, I feel like this Explorer is going to be the one to break me out of my slump.

I hate it when I'm right.

Now, like I said, just the fact that he did this would not normally be enough to make this guy a winner. He had a partner in crime. As I'm watching this guy make my most hated maneuver, I almost fail to see the BMW in the leftmost lane. You know, the straight only one. They start to turn right, sandwiching me in between the car going straight. It was like the Olympics for synchronized stupid. On my right, someone going straight through a right only. On my left, someone going right through a straight only. Kudos guys. You not only gave me a reason to reset my counter, but you also win the award for the day.

Wednesday 5:40 PM. Brookline, Mass
Locale: Beacon Street at a stoplight with two straight lanes and a left turn only
Perpetrator: Tan Sedan

Today's winner was one that I wish I could say I exaggerated. I wish that things like this didn't actually happen. It would be lovely if people didn't go to such lengths to outdo each other with ridiculousness on the road.

I just can't make this crap up.

So our brilliant motorist is in the middle of the three lanes. Now, this lane is clearly going straight, as the one next to it is left only. So the light turns green and he goes...nowhere. The person behind him honks. He then begins to go.             Psych! Just kidding. He doesn't move. Finally with more honking, he begins to go, and starts to turn left. He then stops midway through his turn and just sits there.

The left turn lane gets their green light, and the car turning left is a UPS truck. He pulls up next to the stopped motorist to make sure he's ok.

I swear on any hallowed ground you wish me to that the next part happened.

The stopped driver sticks his hand out the window, and proceeds to give the UPS man a package.

I must be imagining this, right? There is no way he's actually trying to give a UPS driver a package while he is driving a car. So the UPS truck turns and pulls over to the side of the other side of the road. The motorist follows him and pulls up next to him and I shit you not gives him the package.

What!? Are you serious!? What in the...why in the...how in the...wow. I was beyond belief at this point. It is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen in my entire life, and will probably be the best entry I'll have for however long I write this blog.

Tuesday 5:12 PM. Cambridge, Mass.
Locale: Junction to Memorial Drive
Perpetrator: Cyclist

I knew this was coming. I knew from the very second I clicked confirm to start this blog that this post was coming. I tried to fight it too. I overlooked many a foolish maneuver from the people I'm least willing to share the road with. I tried to tell myself, "they're being healthy," or "they're concerned about the environment," or even "they're making wise saving decisions." I simply can't turn off that part of my brain that wants these people off the road.

I'm talking of course about people on bikes.

As I just stated, there are many benefits to riding a bike. However, most bike riders fail to understand that when they are on the road they are a vehicle. They need to abide by the rules of the road. Speaking of the road, that's usually where the trouble starts. In my opinion, if there is no bike lane then you should not be on the road. That may sound harsh or critical, but I just don't think it makes sense. Your ~150lb frame plus your 40 lb bike loses all day every day to even the tiniest of motor vehicles. If I were on a bike, I wouldn't even want go toe to toe with a freakin' moped.

If you disregard the fact that you do not have a lane on this road, and are choosing instead to join the traffic, then you need to behave like traffic. Come on people. I can't tell you how many people on bikes I've seen run red lights, cut people off, ignore stop signs. You do not get special privilege just because you are on a bike. Today's winner was one of the worst offenders of this rule that I've seen yet.

I'm at the stoplight turning on to Memorial Drive. It's an entry lane that merges with a lane of traffic coming from above it, which is one of the worst configurations ever, in my opinion. As I begin to turn, I see our intrepid bicycle rider heading straight towards me. Down the entry ramp. Against traffic. Seriously? Not only that, he's heading straight for a freakin' rotary. Where the heck do you think you're even going? There's a perfectly good sidewalk next to you so GET OFF AND WALK IT! Ugh. Just ridiculous.

Monday 5:26 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Charles Street, a two lane stoplight leading to Storrow Drive
Perpetrator: Green SUV

Monday, Monday. If there's a day to have no idea where you're going, it's Monday. I know that directions are tough for some people, but I think that knowing West from East is pretty easy. Boston, in case any readers out there are in the middle of the country somewhere and have no idea where Boston is, is a port town. This makes it quite simple to know where you are going. It is literally one of the last parts of land in Massachusetts before you hit ocean. OK, so Cape Cod swings up and around a bit, but the point is, if you are anywhere in Boston and head East, you'd better be in a duckboat, because you're headed straight for water.

So this intersection is pretty strange. When you're approaching it from the Cabridge bridge, you have a choice of two lanes. When you take the left lane, you can either take your first or second left. One takes you to Storrow Drive West, one to Storrow Drive East. Once you make your selection, there are two lane stoplights leading to the entry. Today's winner clearly needed a compass.

As I'm about to go through the stoplight to head to the Eastbound entry ramp, I see the person headed toward the Westbound one turn towards me. Thankfully she stopped, but she then sat there blocking her lane of traffic with her turn signal on until she could get in. Needless to say, honking ensued. I know that directions can be tricky sometimes, but come on people. Think about the bigger picture. If you go West, you go to strange parts of Massachusetts. If you go East, you get wet. Messing that up just gets you to the winner's circle of my blog entry.

Casual Friday - 8.3.12
Hey everyone!
So, I've decided to do a things a little different. Inspired by last weeks humorous incident with the ducks, and this weeks tale of sheer failure, I officially declare the entries on Fridays to be "Casual Fridays." Rather than rant and rave about some ridiculous maneuver that someone does, or some near accident I narrowly avoid, I'll tell a more amusing tale from the road.

So, any of my friends or relatives can tell you that I'm great with directions (if they're feeling like being nice to me.) I always say that if you take me somewhere twice in the day, or three times at night, I can get back there no problem. I learn routes and roads pretty quick. Well, this is a tale of sheer incompetence...on my part.

So I went to Salem, Massachusetts to attend a game night. I've been to the area before, but only on weekends. I wasn't sure where it would be alright to park for an extended period of time without paying, but I knew the last time I went to this shop for a tournament, I found a street and parked there for a while without penalty. So I drive around looking for this street and I simply can't find it for the life of me. I do however find another street, and there are no signs to say not to park there. I went from street corner to street corner just to be sure, and there was not a sign to be found.

After a victorious 4-1 record, I politely declined drinks with some friends, and made my way back. Unfortunately, I had only been there once in the day time. So I go to where I think the car is and it is nowhere to be seen. So I think that maybe I parked up a block. However, as I head down the street, I realize there is no "up a block." At this point I pull out my phone, and even the highest advances in Apple technology cannot help me in my quest.

Long story short (not really) here's the route I ended up with:

The blue dot is my car.

Thursday 5:17 PM. Stoneham, Mass.
Locale: 93 Northbound, a 3 lane highway.
Perpetrator: Black Sedan

Naming things can be hard. Sure, I was able to some up with a clever title for this blog. Things can be titled in really funny, unique, or original names. Sometimes it is best to just be straightforward. Intersections are where lanes, well, intersect. A rotary is such due to the rotary motion the cars go whilst travelling in it. Breakdown lanes are exactly that: a place for cars that are broken down. Easy right? These are the questions you answer to get your permit when you're freaking 16!

Not really sure how today's winner passed that test.

So we're heading toward the 95 juncture and I'm in the right lane. All of a sudden, this guy comes up alongside me. Granted, this is a pretty commonplace move. It's really disturbing how many people think it's a good idea to use the breakdown lane for travel. I'm not all that surprised as he comes up on my right. I am surprised when he tries to get into my lane, despite the fact that there was no room for him to do so. So I honk, repeatedly, and he scoots back into the breakdown lane. He then speeds up and is able to squeeze in. Normally, I'd give a thumbs up here, but I had a stressful day, so I went with a different finger.

Now I don't know if he saw me or not, but he starts doing this weird head motion. It was almost like something out of "A Night at the Roxbury" but slowed down. Then his car starts swerving. Left-right-left-right, the car's motion mirroring his odd head bobbing.

"Great," I think, "I just flipped off a lunatic."

Finally, I see the exit I'm praying for and get into the exit lane. Then I see my good friend in the sedan flick on his blinker. It's at this moment that various scenarios start to run through my head, ranging from a simple merge to something like a modern day, Ben-Hur chariot scene.

None of those unfold however, as partway into the merge, he darts back into the lane he just came from, right blinker still going. Let me tell you, I am glad he chose to not join me for the next part of my ride.

Wednesday 5:37 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: Intersection of Charles Street and 93 ramp. Well...doesn't this seem familiar.
Perpetrator: Blue Pickup Truck

So I thought I had finally found the magic route. I thought my quests of exploring the twists and turns of this city had finally lead me to a route out that was not an incredible headache. Was there traffic? Absolutely. Come on, it's Boston. Still, it seemed like it had fairly reliable groups of people, and it seemed like everyone knew where to go. Well, like I said, it is Boston.

So this intersection is ridiculous. There are 5 lanes which break off into two "Left Only" lanes, a "Straight Only," a "Straight Right," (which caused Monday's Disaster) and a "Right Only." You can either go straight across to the two lane 93 North ramp, or turn right into the two lane 93 South Tunnel. It's pretty clear when you're approaching which lane is going to take you where.

Or so it would seem.

I am in the straight/right, a lane I am quickly becoming not fond of, and the truck is in the straight only. We begin to head into the intersection. Then, of course, in classic "I probably should have figured out where I was going before I got in the intersection" fashion, he cuts me off and heads down the tunnel. I gave him a resounding long horn, followed by some accented short horns. Just to really make the point. Well, they say that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. For this guy, that light was the winner's circle on this here blog.

Tuesday 6:17 PM. Malden, Mass.
Locale: Broadway, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: A black Mercedes and white SUV

Remember in grade school when you'd prank you buddy with a friendly pat on the back with an underhanded "Kick me" sign?

Ok. Maybe no one actually did that. Let's just pretend like they did for a minute. Humor me. It works much better for the story I'm trying to tell you. So, for today's entry, I thought that someone had come up to my car and taped a "Cut Me Off" sign to the hood of my car.

As I'm driving down the road, I see a Mercedes edging out of a parking lot. I'm coming along at a solid 35mph, you know, the speed limit. I don't flash, I don't slow down, but for some reason she thinks she's got room. So she flies out and I slam on the breaks. When I say slam, I mean slam. I came to a complete stop to avoid hitting her. As I slowed down, I held my horn the whole way. I was not happy. But she went on her merry way, and I started accelerating.

Just as I got back up to 30mph, I see a white SUV pulling out two parking lots down.

"Don't do it" I think. "Don't you even think about doing it."

He did it.

He tears out of there and cuts me off. This couldn't have been more than 10 seconds later. It was like back to back. I'm pretty sure that the song I was listening to didn't even get through a full verse before I encountered these two. To be fair, the Mercedes' move was much more aggressive, but the SUV could not have timed it better. So, I need to give two prizes today. Good luck splitting the award you two, because you both earned it.

Monday 5:39 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: Intersection of Charles Street and 93 ramp. My lane is straight/right, and I'm going straight.
Perpetrator: Cabbie

Happy Monday everyone! You can tell it's Monday because even the cabbies are impatient.

Well...I guess they're impatient every day. In any event, one thing that bothers me to no end is people who block intersections. I think few people realize that you're not supposed to do that. This is something that happens all the time in Boston. I'm guilty of it myself. Yet I stand vigilant and try to avoid it whenever possible.

So as I'm coming up to this deathly intersection, I see that the cars in front of me have stopped, and there is room for maybe a car and a half (or two smart cars) in the intersection. I don't think there would have been room for me even if i was turning. The cabbie behind me seemed to think differently.

He starts honking like he's trying to test the durability of his car horn. Clearly he thought that I could either occupy the same space as someone's bumper, or that other traffic could just pass through my car. Thankfully the cars moved, so I was able to pull into the intersection. I watched as he turned, and went about 12 feet before stopping behind the other traffic. Way to go bud. You may not have gotten anywhere fast that night, but you took the express route to the winner's circle. 

Friday 5:34 PM. Cambridge, Mass
Locale: The intersection of the Boston University Bridge and Memorial Drive
Perpetrator:     ...ducks.

So, after writing this blog, it really seemed like people were out to get me. Like everyone in the world knew I was looking for dumb people.

Now it seems that mother nature is after me too.

I really don't know what else I can say about this. I had read "Make Way for Ducklings" as a kid...but damn. This was ridiculous. The ducks didn't seem to give a crap that there were cars ready to run them down. They just walked on their merry way. I guess the ducks in Boston just know people won't mess with them.

Don't believe me? Well, here you go:

Thursday 8:07 PM. Malden, Mass.
Locale: Route 1...If you've read this blog, you know about Route 1
Perpetrator: Tan Toyota Camry

I'd like to talk a little bit about speed limits. I think that speed limits are incredibly amusing. They must be the least observed of all the road rules. What they really should have is a sign like this:

Go Between
58-68
Or Get a Ticket

No one actually listens to speed limits. I've seen people fly by cops going at least 10 mph over, and nothing happens. Most often, when people are complaining about other drivers not obeying the speed limit, it is because those drivers are soaring past them at breakneck speed. Today's winner took things at a different pace: a much, much slower one. Driving unreasonably slow, in my mind, is almost as dangerous as driving unreasonably fast. There's a certain expectation when you're on a highway that you drive at a reasonable speed, somewhere close to the speed limit. So, I'm coming up on this guy, and I start to slow down. I see a speed limit sign at it says that the speed limit is 50 MPH. I look to my spedometer. I'm going about 38. I'm right behind this guy, and he slams his breaks, as if to say "back off." I'm sorry, but when you're going over 10mph slower than the speed limit in the middle lane on a highway, I really don't think I'm being unreasonable for coming up on you too fast. Get in the right lane, or speed up. It just isn't safe.

So I go around our friend, and I look as I pass and I see him fling his arm up and down as he's mouthing some words to me. From what I could discern, he was telling me to slow down. Sorry dude, but it's late and I want to get home. If they're going to allow me to go 50, I'm going to go 50. I'm glad you're having a leisurely drive, but I'd rather not get rear ended by someone not paying attention.

Wednesday 5:14 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Armory Street, a Two Lane Road
Perpetrator: Black Ford Explorer

"Dan," you may say, "I love your blog. Obviously. But I have a concern. What if I'm not in my car, and I see you coming? Have I missed my shot? Is there anything I can do to be moronic enough to make your entry for the day?"

Yes, my intrepid reader. Yes you can. You see, for today's incident, our winner hadn't even made it into her car yet. She was so determined to be a nuisance that she decided to start before she got behind the wheel.

So her huge SUV is parked on the side of a two lane road. Now, sometimes the lanes are wide enough to facilitate such a parking position. These lanes however did not seem like they were suitable for such a placement. Now, as I'm one who parks often on busy city streets, I make my best effort to enter my car with ninja-like swiftness. I wait for break in the cars, and leap into the drivers seat, with the nimble skill of a mongoose. This lady's switfness was more on the level of a 3 toed sloth.

She gets to the driver's side door, then moves to the hood of the car and puts her purse on it. She places her coffee down and starts rummaging through her purse. Now the opposing traffic, not wishing to commit vehicular manslaughter, is forced to go well across the double yellow line, and cut into my lane. Our winner remains completely oblivious, and as I stop at the stop sign ahead, I look back and see that she has still not gotten in the car. Maybe it's just me, but if you can't find your keys or phone or whatever you need before getting in the car, take your time on the side of the car that doesn't have 2 ton piles of metal cruising by at 35mph. Unless you feel like winding up on someone's windshield...or worse, in my blog.

Tuesday 8:09 AM. Revere, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Washington Ave and Sargent St, A T shaped intersection
Perpetrator: White Minivan

They say the early bird catches the worm. Well, for early birds today, all they would be able to catch is the stupid. Today's driver has the honor of being the earliest driver thus far to make my list. Let me layout my commute for you:

7:55- I leave the apartment
8:10- I turn on to Route 1
8:30- I pass through the Tobin Tolls
8:50- I turn off of Storrow Drive
9:00- I get to work

Generally speaking, the stupid doesn't decide to grace my presence until at least 8:25. It must have had some Folger's in its cup this morning.

So in this T shaped intersection, the body of the T is a left turn for me leading to route one. I am waiting patiently at the red light to allow commuters coming up the body of the the T to turn right or left into one of the arms. I look across the intersection and I see that the car coming the opposite way from me has no blinker on. I always check, just in case they want to go on red when I get my green arrow. No blinker = we're good.

Or so I thought.

Even though the person who was first in line at the intersection wasn't turning right, that didn't mean that the person second in line didn't want to. He went over the double yellow, went around the first person, and took a right through the intersection...as other traffic was turning left into the lane he just cut into. I was shocked that he had the room to get through without hitting anyone. He did not however have the ability to dodge my eye, nor my blog entry for the day.

Monday 5:44 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: New Rutherford Ave, a 4 lane road
Perpetrator: Blue Camry

As you know by now, my route home is clogged more severely than the arteries of someone who eats fast food 5 times a day. This particular route is the way to the Tobin Bridge, a bridge you know all to well if you've kept up with this blog. The right lane is the exit to the Tobin, the first lane in is...the second exit to the Tobin, for all those people who don't know/don't care that the right lane is the only exit. Then you have two more lanes which go straight to 93 Southbound. These lanes can be a coin flip. They're either equally as stalled, or have no one in them.

In today's story, our intrepid driver is stuck behind the people who are sadly misinformed and making a last ditch effort to get to the Tobin. He does not wish to be going in this direction, so he changes out of his lane and into the third lane of the road. Unfortunately for him, that space was currently occupied by someone doing the same thing.

In most operational cars, there are not one, not two, but three rear view mirrors. They are there for a very important reason: no one behind you has any goddamn idea where you want to go or what you want to do. They are not psychic. If you do not use your turn signal, they don't know you're going to change lanes.

The person in the minivan who, no more than a second earlier, turned into that lane, had what must have been some of the fastest reflexes I've ever seen. I'm shocked I didn't witness an accident. They then slow down so they can pull up next to the car which almost took their passenger side off, and the guy just keeps going past them. Well, I can tell you didn't know where you were going, but I do know where you ended up: the winner's circle for today's blog post.

To anyone that came to this page for today's entry looking for a smile, a scowl, or possibly a headache, I'm afraid that you'll get none of those things today. As I'm sure you're well aware, there was a terrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado this morning. People of all ages, sexes, and races gathered for what was probably the most anticipated movie of the year. They were so excited by the prospect of watching the epic conclusion of Christopher Nolan's Batman saga, that they went to the very first showing, at 12:01 AM. At about 12:30 AM, a man came into the theater with weapons and terrorized the theater, killing at least a dozen of the moviegoers.

This man is a lunatic, a terrorist, a psychopath, and any other term which appropriately grasps the horror of the actions he committed. It breaks my heart knowing that there is such reckless disregard for human life in this world. I've been to midnight screenings myself, and the environment there is one of sheer jubilation. When you are dedicated enough to a movie that you deprive yourself of sleep in order to be one of the first in the world to see it, you have a clear emotional involvement in the movie. It saddens me that people in such a frame of mind could have their world turned into one of sheer terror, all because of the actions of one sick individual.

My deepest sympathies go out to the people of that town. To write a post today and consider anything I encountered today a "disaster" is just disrespectful.

Thursday 12:16 PM. Brookline, Mass.
Locale: Beacon Street, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Black Mercedes

Man, this week has just been on a silver platter for me. These driving disasters have been occurring seemingly everywhere I go. Today's entry happened 10 feet from my office building. The best part is, I don't even need to be in a car to witness some of the moments of genius. Both yesterday's and today's entries happened while on foot. A comforting fact to be sure, as I'm not in danger of interacting directly with these truly skilled drivers.

I work in an 8 floor office building which is 90% doctors. The rough part of this for patients visiting said doctors is the parking. Brookline is just awful when it comes to parking. There is no reasonable place to park for an extended period of time, and the metered spots are just murder on your wallet. Parking is king in this city.

So as I'm heading down the sidewalk, I see that one of the two spots directly outside the office building is open. This is prime real estate for sure. The spot directly in front of the available spot is occupied by a Black Mercedes that has the engine running. I see a lucky commuter coming in to grab the open spot behind the Mercedes when the unthinkable happens...

The guy in the Mercedes kicks it into reverse and backs up into the spot behind him, blocking the guy who was just about to pull in.

I think I did about a quadruple take.

My brain was just flabbergasted by what I just witnessed. I had to keep watching to see what was going on. The guy in the Mercedes gets out of the car and goes up to the other vehicle, who is still angled awkwardly across the lane trying to turn into what was once a parking spot. Dialogue of a nature that I can't even begin to fathom ensues, and the Mercedes driver gives a friendly wave and gets back in the car. On my entire walk to lunch, I ran through possible scenarios, but nothing I could think of made any sense whatsoever. Congratulations to the driver of that Mercedes, because my sheer bewilderment earned you a spot on this blog.

Wednesday 12:34 PM. Brookline, Mass
Locale: Beacon Street, a two lane road with a third "Left Only" lane
Perpetrator: Green Pickup Truck

We've all been there. We wind up in that fateful lane that tells us we have only way to go, and it isn't the way we were intending. What is a helpless commuter to do? The way I see it, you have several choices:

1. Take the turn. This is the least offensive option, and really only irritates yourself.
2. Sit in the lane with the signal trying to get out. This has the potential to piss off not only the people behind you intending to take that turn, but also the people who's lane you're attempting to invade.
3. Gun it. Shoot into the intersection and swing over ahead of the people who actually know where they're going. You look like the biggest douche using this maneuver, but it is the most effective way to get where you want to go.

Well, today's winner took it in a completely different direction.

He approaches the stoplight in the left hand lane as it's turning yellow. He slows to a stop, and then proceeds to go. Now, I'm not really sure where he wanted to go initially, but he goes from the leftmost lane and cuts across the other two lanes of traffic and ends up going to the street on the right. I really tried to comprehend what this guy was doing, but none of the options really made sense to me. Not only was it one of the most obnoxious cuts I've ever seen, but it just had no apparent sense in the realm of possibilities. Well, stranger in the truck, wherever you were intending to go, your route took you on the fast track to the winner's circle for today's blog entry.

Tuesday 8:41 AM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: 93 Southbound/ramp to Storrow Drive
Perpetrator: Blue BMW

My morning drive is fairly routine. I get on Route 1 South around the Route 60 Rotary. Traffic usually begins to form within the next 5 exits, and then eventually I get through the Tobin Bridge toll plaza.

That's where the fun starts.

It's like walking through the gates of the DumbDriverland, the most idiotic theme park in the world. Once you cross the threshold into Boston, all bets are off. You need to learn when to anticipate stupid behavior. As I've mentioned before, it is safe to assume that a BMW just means trouble.

Continuing the theme of the last few posts, today's story involves someone who was clearly in a hurry. This person started out behind me in the right hand lane. They switched over to the left lane, and started to follow traffic around. At this point, the right hand lane now becomes an exit ramp. That's when the BMW decides to cut back in, so they can take the exit. Understandable, but unnecessary. The exit ramp is now the left hand lane which leads to Storrow Drive, and the right hand lane which leads...also to Storrow Drive, but in a slightly indirect route. Often, the left lane will be stopped almost all the way back, and the right lane will have no one in it. At the point where these two lanes form, you often have people switch from whichever one they're in to the opposing lane. This is exactly what the BMW does. I follow her lead, and start to follow her around the bend. That's when my spider sense starts tingling. I have a feeling that this woman is going to make the classic, douche-head move and cut back in to the more direct left lane at the last possible second. Now, I have been guilty of this move in the past, but that was before I knew the right lane would also take you to Storrow Drive.

Sure enough, the woman cuts back into the left lane, just in time to make the exit. For those of you keeping score at home, that is 4 lane changes in less than 3 minutes, for the sole purpose of cutting around traffic. Unless she had another purpose: making my blog. Well BMW'er, mission accomplished.

Monday 5:28 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: Commercial Ave, a four lane road, with the left lane being a left only lane.
Perpetrator: White Company Van and Green Toyota Camry

One thing that you'll immediately notice is that there are two cars written in the perpetrator line of today's post. In my daily travels, I see at least one blog worthy post every day. Obviously. That is not to say that that person's behavior is the only thing I notice in a given day. There may be several potential winners in any given day. In the same idea, there may be many people who I see make the same stupid mistake nearly every day (hence the counter on the right hand side of the blog). This case however is a little different.

In today's tale, we are approaching one of the traffic lights along Commercial Ave. In the gauntlet that is my commute home, this is the signal that I've hit the toughest part of the drive. It is here that traffic grinds to a halt, and a good 20 minutes is spent going...probably about a mile. Knowing this, I try to get through every light I can. Sometimes people in their desperation block intersections. Others zig-zag into different lanes to get ahead.

This was a special move though.

I am in the center lane, going about 35 miles per hour. At this point the white van is about 30 feet behind me in the lane to my right. As we're coming around a bend, I see the upcoming light turn yellow. Now, I'm usually pretty fair about yellow lights, but even I'd have to say that I will more often than not make it through them. I'm not saying I gun it when I clearly have time to stop, but I definitely don't slam on the brakes.

So, using my best judgment, I think that there is definitely no time to stop. I can't estimate distance to save my life, but we had to be a good seventy feet when I saw it turn yellow. So I stop. The van, and the car behind him don't. By the time the light is red, I am rolling to a stop and the van is still a good twenty five feet away. This doesn't stop him though. "Ok," I think, "not too shocking. I guess he was going faster than I realized." A look of confusion then came over my face as the car behind the van flew through the red light too. Now, like I said, the van was a good car's length behind me, and the other car was behind him. Definitely blog worthy driving, in my opinion.

Friday 5:57 PM. Saugus, Mass
Locale: Route 1 Northbound, a three lane highway with shops on the right hand side.
Perpetrator: Black Jeep

To all the non-Massachusetts readers, if any, here's a little advice for visiting Massachusetts:

Don't go on Route 1

Ever

Route 1 is a North and South bound route that traverses from Newburyport to Boston, and happens to run right past my apartment. So, naturally, I travel on it quite frequently. Route 1 hosts a myriad of shops and attractions...and they're all equally painful to try and get to. The route is three lanes in either direction, and is therefore separated in the middle by a barrier. So often, you see your destination on the opposite side of the road...and have no clue how to get there. It's a headache, a pain in the neck, and it's also the only way to get to the two closest malls to my apartment. Turning onto this road from one of the sides is like playing frogger. You never feel like you're able to turn out. In traffic, people are also less inclined to let you in.

So for today's particular scenario, our winner was stuck behind a car trying to turn on to this bumper to bumper road. As I said, this is no easy task, and as such, is taking this person a little effort. Well, being Friday and all, this Jeep decides that they do not feel like waiting to turn into this traffic. They've got places to go, people to see, and sidewalks to drive over.

Yup.

The Jeep pulls out behind the car turning out of the shopping area and drives up and over the curb to get around them. Now, I understand that they are in a Jeep, and that Jeeps are designed for conditions like that. I just have a feeling that the Chrysler group didn't exactly have shortcutting traffic in mind.

Thursday 5:58 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: Bunker Hill Street, a three lane road, where the left lanes are merging due to construction.
Perpetrator: Blue Sedan

There are plenty of repeat offenders that I come across when looking for winners for these blog entries. There are only so many ways in which you can make rules of the road errors. Today's post involves not one, not two, but three previous posts that I've written about.

Today's winner occurred in the construction area of the non-Tobin bridge route. This person was clearly in a rush as he pulled a trick out of another person's playbook.

As I'm riding in the left lane, I see that beautiful orange sign that tells me lanes are converging. I love this sign because it tells me I'm probably about to encounter a blog post entry. Sure enough, as the left two lanes start to become one, I see a guy come from behind me and drive down the dotted white line in between what is about to be the two lanes. There was room for him to do this as left lane was still wide enough to accommodate the merging, but it was still a clear infraction of proper driving. It's as if when people enter a construction zone, or any zone where the roadways get a little messed up, they take that as their cue to drive wherever the hell they feel like it. Perhaps today's winner thought he was on his motorcycle, scooter, or other vehicle where it makes sense for him to drive in between two lanes of traffic. Doing this in a car just earns him one distinction: my entry for the day.

Tuesday 6:24 PM. Everett, Mass
Locale: Broadway St, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Red BMW

To quote the late, great George Carlin:
"Have you ever noticed that when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin' faster than you is a maniac?"
This could not more perfectly sum up how I felt going home. As I've mentioned previously, the two bridges I can use to get out of the city are both under construction. Each has lost a lane, the Tobin going from three lanes to two, and (what apparently isn't a bridge as much as a road over water, according to google maps) is two lanes down to one. So, it's pretty much a toss up between these two routes. Neither one feels faster than the other. The Tobin is faster once you get through the traffic, but the traffic takes forever to get there. The other route moves gradually, but has more stoplights and busses. You're stuck between a rock and a slow place.

This particular day I decide to go the non-Tobin route, as the traffic to the Tobin seems particularly frozen. As I navigate through a 2 lane merges and a rotary, I now enter the traffic light gauntlet. I can see the bus ahead of me, and I slowly approach it. It pulls over to the side to let people off, and I victoriously cruise around, until I nearly rear end this BMW.

This person must have been afraid of a bumper sticker on the car in front of them, because they seemed to require about 300 feet between them and the car they were following at all times. They very cautiously handled traffic lights, even slowing down as they got to them, just in case they turned yellow. Finally, after following them for about 10 minutes (which probably should have been about 4), they turn on their signal at a light. I can literally see my apartment from here, and can just feel my couch's warm embrace. I should have known better. It's a BMW after all. As they're turning through the intersection, something spooked them, because they dead stopped right in the middle of the turn. Then went. Then stopped. Then went again. Let me tell you, as soon as I had the room, I got right out of there and headed on. Not before giving them the ol' thumbs up so they know that their overactive brake pedal earned them my blog entry for the day.

Monday 8:55 AM. Brookline, Mass
Locale: Beacon St, a two lane road at a stoplight.
Perpetrator: Green Minivan

Welcome back everyone!
So I decided to grant a window of peace, because no one can drive well around the holidays. I think I could probably write a blog just on holiday traffic alone. Thankfully, the most traffic I encountered was on a boat on a lake, so I was quite alright with sharing the space.

Mondays are a tough day, even without a holiday the week before. The lucky ones got the whole week to enjoy. Some got no time at all. I took a fair break, tactically reserving Thursday and Friday off, for a super exteneded July 4th weekend. On Monday, I think that enthusiastic is one of the last words I'd describe myself as during my trip into Beantown.

That doesn't mean I seemingly forgot how to drive.

Its as if I never left. We're coming up to the stoplight right in front of where I work, and I see that it shifts from green to yellow. The minivan in front of me slams on the breaks, and the light goes red. I almost made it to my office, as it is down the road to the right. So I'm stuck behind this guy with my blinker on. "OK," I think, "I can see my office and there were no other drivers that could have earned my stamp today. I don't think slamming at a yellow is worthy." The driver had a few other tricks up his sleeve. As the light goes green, he turns on his turn signal and turns right down the road.

This one doesn't read my blog apparently. There is no sign at this light saying not to turn right on red. They sat through the whole light with no blinker, as I sat behind them, staring in my office window, then they decide to tell me that they're going the same way. Clearly someone was unprepared for a Monday.

Wednesday 5:36 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Commercial Ave, a four lane road, with the left lane being a left only turn up ahead.
Perpetrator: Blue Honda Civic

Everyone is in a rush these days. Whether it's in the store, in the car, or even when they're doing leisure activities. No one has the time to spare for anything. Especially other people. It seems like no matter where you are or how fast you're going, someone needs to get by you. Their priorities are clearly more important than yours.

This is the impression that I got out of the Blue Honda in traffic today. It was bumper to bumper. The only cars that were moving were the ones taking the left out of the left turn lane. They had a green light, while the other three lanes were stopped at red. Unfortunately for today's winner, the car in front of her was not intending to take this turn, and tried to get into the next lane. Well, this blue car was not happy about the other driver's mistake, and began honking. And honking. And honking. It seemed like this woman thought that the more she honked, the faster the car trying to get out of her way would move. There is finally enough room for the blue car to get around just as the light turns red.

Well, this did not stop our intrepid honker. She was in such a rush, that she took the left turn on the solid red light anyway, narrowly avoiding the oncoming traffic, which just got a green light. I don't think anyone was stopping this lady today. Nothing stopped her from making it to my blog entry either.

Friday 8:37 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Nashua St. and Monsignor O'Brien, a four way intersection of two lane roads.
Perpetrator: Silver SUV

From Wikipedia (because it's a totally reliable source to cite):
"Right turn on red has been practiced in the western United States for more than 50 years, with the eastern states adopting the law in the 1970s to save fuel (see 1973 oil crisis and 1979 energy crisis)."

I love the right turn on red. I think it is a wonderful rule that saves many people a lot of time. There's nothing more frustrating than staring at the "No Right on Red" sign and seeing no traffic coming from the other direction. You just feel the seconds of your life wasting away as you are forbidden by law from going where you want to go, despite the fact that it endangers no one.

In nearly every city in the whole country, this is allowed, because most people know how to make smart decisions. One city however, has the exact opposite ruling. In the big apple, you are forbidden to go right on red, unless the sign specifies that you can. After today, I can understand why this is the rule.

So I'm attempting to cross this 4 way intersection because I have a light that is green. You know, the ones you can...go on. Now, the road that I'm heading towards is a two lane road which quickly merges into one lane. This leads to an almost immediate backup. Like I said, my light is green, and I thought i could make it. What I didn't anticipate was this woman in the SUV turning right on her red light, and forcing her way in, leaving me stuck in the intersection. I'd like to quote now from the Massachusetts.gov Rules of the Road: Chapter 4:

"You can make a right turn on a red light only after you've come to a complete stop and yield to pedestrians or other vehicles in your path."

Apparently this lady never got her copy.

As I'm sitting there, blocking traffic because this woman thought it was ok to stop me from crossing the intersection by going right on red, the light changes. I'm getting death glares from the drivers, and one biker who was about 5 feet from my car. I'm just thinking to myself: "You know, I would have made it through, if this woman didn't go right on red to cut me off." She's the one who deserved to get the death stare. Well, she didn't. She did however earn my blog entry for the day.

Thursday 8:32 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Beacon St, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Taxi Cab

Cabbies. What can I say about them? They are notorious for their tendencies behind the wheel. They drive fast, loose, and will do seeming anything to get to their destination. Boston cabbies aren't even the worst offenders. From my few trips to New York City, I know that their cab drivers make ours look like limo drivers. Considering all this, the one thing we can be happy about, is at least they know where they are going.

Or so I thought.

I was under the impression (delusion?) that when your paycheck depends directly on your ability to navigate a city, that you would have some idea of how to do this. Now, I'm sure they don't have to pass any exams which ensure they are the most knowledgeable route planners this side of google maps, but you have to think that after doing the job for some time, they would have some idea of where they are going. Especially when they have electronic assistance.

This particular cab driver, not only seemed lost in regards to his general location, but couldn't even seem to decide which lane he wanted to be in. He starts in my lane, and then casually drifts into the left lane, almost hitting a car. The car honks, and he begins to drift back into my lane. As his indecision was making me nervous, I decided to go around him. As I passed him, I noticed he was using the GPS mounted to his windshield, while driving. With no one in the car...
I can't even begin to fathom where this guy needed to go so badly that he needed to reprogram a GPS while driving for, well, himself. It just didn't make any sense. It did get him somewhere though. An express route to my blog, as Thursday's winner.

Wednesday 5:49 PM. Everett, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Broadway and Beacham, a T shaped intersection with a stoplight.
Perpetrator: Blue Pickup Truck

So, I guess this weeek was just a back to basics week for everyone in Boston. By back to basics, I of course mean that everyone needs to go back and learn the basics for how to drive. Between turn signals, staying in lanes, and other seemingly simplistic things, the commuters of our fine city have managed to mess just about everything up. Today was no exception.

Let me preface this by saying that right now, the two major bridges that I can access to get home are  both under construction right now. Seriously? Whose call was that? Traffic is bad enough as it is. These bridges better be ready to collapse if they need to work on both at the same time. It better be a damn safety hazard, because the traffic it causes is most certainly a health hazard. Why? It makes people do stupid things.

I was behind this pickup for a good 2-2 1/2 miles. I'm guessing he was just about as fed up with the traffic as I was. We were finally getting to a point in the road where you could actually go above 7 MPH, and the road was now two lanes, instead of one. The relief was short lived however, as we now hit a slew of stoplights. Obviously, in an attempt to infuriate and/or mock us, they all start hitting red as we approach. So we come to this last stoplight, and he comes to a full stop as it goes red. Its commanding red light separating us from our destination. The traffic going the opposite way from us now has a green light, as some cars are going straight and others are turning in front of us down the length of the T stop.

Well, this guy apparently had enough.

After sitting there for a good minute and a half at this red light, he just decides to drive right through it. He almost gets hit by a car turning left down the T. Not only this, but he somehow inspired the car next to him to do the same thing! About 5 seconds later, the light goes green and I end up behind our impatient friend a few moments later. I was glad I caught up to him, as I needed to give him the old thumbs up for being my winner for the day.

Tuesday 5:04 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Powell St, a standard two lane road.
Perpetrator: Green Ford Escape

My drive in yesterday was a bit worrisome. People drove like they actually earned their licenses. It was astounding. I didn't see a single bone-headed move. I was truly troubled. I knew it would hinge on the ride home in order to find a winner for today. As always, my evening commute did not let me down.

Today was a failure of the basics. Stuff that they ask you for your permit test. It was nuts. It's like people saw me coming, and had to mess up the simplest of driving principles. There was a myriad of options at my disposal. It's as if they knew my ride in was way too simple, and they tried to outdo each other by being increasingly boneheaded. I could talk about the pickup-truck that almost sideswiped me on the highway because whatever he was doing was more important than staying in his lane. I could talk about the people that cut off an intersection for the entire cycle of my green light. I could even talk about the SUV that couldn't figure out where they were going in the rotary, and slammed on the breaks, to then take an exit (gues what, it's a rotary, you can go around again if you miss your exit!)

There was a feat however that trumped all of these. Someone screwing up something so basic, it boggled my mind: turn signals.

The turn signal is one of the few direct connections we drivers have to one another. Between Horns, Warning Lights, and middle fingers, it is the only one that is impossible to misunderstand. Unless you're incapable of using it correctly.

This person starts out in the middle of the road, and turns on her left signal. I see an oncoming car, and a street to the left. Naturally, I assume she wants to turn down this street. As the car goes by however, I see her pull all the way to the right side of the street, while her left signal is still blinking. So now I make an assumption that she's trying to attempt a turn around, so I stop and give her the room to do so. She does nothing. I give a friendly wave, as a way to say "go ahead." Still on the right side of the road, she then switches ther turn signal to the right blinker. "Ok..." I think to myself, and I start to go around her. She then, blinker still clicking, pulls back into the middle of the road in front of me. Now I'm lost. I have no idea what this one is doing. We approach another street, and the blinker switches to the left side again. "Ah. I see. Wrong street. I understand now," I say to myself. "She must just be lost."

An oncoming car goes by, and to my disbelief, she pulls over to the right side of the road again. Left blinker still flickering.

At this point I just give up, and drive past her. I have no idea what you were thinking lady, but, whatever it was, it got you my award for today.

Monday 8:53 AM Boston, Mass
Locale: The intersection of Charlesgate West and Beacon Street.
Perpetrator: White Honda

I truly thought we were living in better times. I thought people had finally wisened up and were making good decisions with their lives. I thought the world was a better place for all mankind.
Then came a moment that I hadn't seen in so long, it felt like a dream. I had to pinch myself. Is this happening?

Yes.

Yes it was.

Only it wasn't a dream. It was a freaking nightmare. This move is without a doubt, unequivocally, my most hated move out of all I've seen in this city. I've seen it cause an accident, and I almost got in one by someone doing it. It had been so long since it happened, that I forgot people were capable of it.

When you come off Storrow Drive at this exit, you can just see the madness which is about to ensue. You have the cars taking the exit, which always form two lanes, as the road splits into three, and another merging exit with a yield sign which merges into the rightmost lane. It is a clusterf*ck. But once the lanes are established, it's all good baby. Everyone is where they need to be. The problem is that not everyone knows where they are going. The three lanes are set up as followed:

|Straight Only|    |Right or Straight|    |Right only|

This point is clearly illustrated. It is written on the road, and there are two signs posted. Within 8 feet of each other. Two. 1, 2.

Without fail, people go straight across from the rightmost lane. Y'know, the one where you can go...RIGHT ONLY. Now, this used to be once a week. Easy. I take this exit every day, and without fail, it happened every week. I got in the habit of signaling from the middle lane just in case some genius decides to go straight. Because at that point, straight will be the way through my passenger side. Then a week went by. Then two. Then three! Hurray! No one is failing at simple directions! Life is wonderful!

Well, thank you crazy lady in the White Honda (who not only honked at the person she almost hit, she then flipped them off...with both hands) because not only do you get do you get the prestige of being my blog post today, you officially start a counter on the blog:

"Days Since Some Moron Went Straight Through that Right Only"

Friday 5:38 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Storrow Drive, one of the busiest rush hour thoroughfares in Boston.
Perpetrator: White Smart Car

The cutoff. It is a Masshole's bread and butter. If there was a driving school for idiots, it would be the first thing you would learn. Sure, there are variations: the triple lane swing, the in-and-out, the last second exit switch. Every once in a while however, someone just goes for the classic, textbook cutoff.

Now, I've encountered many vehicles which have mastered the cutoff. They typically fall into one of three categories: The Nice Car, The Monster Vehicle, and The Average Joe. As you'll come to learn (if you continue to read this blog) for some inexplicable reason, the nicer the car, the bigger of a jerk the driver. It's not just me who thinks this either. UC Berkeley did a study which confirmed my suspicions: http://articles.latimes.com/2012/feb/27/science/la-sci-0228-greed-20120228. Whenever I see a nice car, I generally assume they're going to cut me off at some point.

The Monster Vehicle can be anything from some souped-up 4X4 (usually with metal testicles hanging from the back and a slew of "America" stickers) to a freakin' 18 Wheeler. I really can't complain when this happens, as these cars will crush my little Matrix. Heck, they'll crush just about anything, so why even bother looking what's in the lane next to you?

Then you got your Average Joes. They're just trying to avoid what I call "Office Space Syndrome" which is when you find yourself in the only lane of traffic which is incapable of moving. They're tired, they want to get home, and they want to freaking drive. It's a road, not a parking lot! I totally understand the mentality, and have certainly been guilty of it myself.

Today's perp however was an alarming exception to the rule. He was driving a smart car. In Boston. At 5:38.

Wow.

To me, driving a smartcar down Storrow Drive is like running through the lion exhibit wearing a steak suit. It just seems like a bad idea. When a stiff breeze is enough to topple your car, flying through the worst road at the worst time is just brainless. Pretty funny for someone driving a "smart" car. They were undaunted by this scenario, and decidedly flew in front of me from the outside lane. Congratulations sir, you've got bigger cojones than the metal ones hanging from the 4X4.

Thursday 6:04 PM. Revere, Mass
Locale: Broadway, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Red Honda, White Cadillac, Tan Toyota, Black Mercedes, Green Toyota 

I really had trouble with today's post. Unfortunately, that trouble was rooted in the fact that everyone was driving like an idiot in Revere. I think that there needs to be more emphasis placed on right of way in driving school. It seems to be something that everyone forgets. People! If you are turning on to a road, you do not have right of way! In fact, most often, if you are turning anywhere, you do not have right of way! Get it in your heads. My girlfriend was driving this most precarious route, and was cut off by no less than 5 people turning in front of her. First came a red Honda which decided to fly into a space barely big enough for a motor cycle. My girlfriend has to slam on the brakes in order for him to get through.

Then, the next car in the obstacle course comes flying in from the left while we have a green light ahead of us. Somehow I doubt there was a malfunction which made both lights green at the same time.

Now, in most places in Mass, a right on red is perfectly legal. A right on red while the traffic you're attempting to join has a green light is perfectly not legal. Well, at very least not encouraged. That did not stop our intrepid commuter from flying into the intersection.

As we approached the next light, I can see the next move developing. Huge Mercedes SUV + Small Female Driver = Big Attitude. (I do not consider myself racist, sexist, or in any other way overly prejudiced. I simply find tendencies among people, especially in drivers. I do not mean to offend anyone with my comments.) This woman is turning through the intersection at which my girlfriend has a green light to go through. With each passing second, the Mercedes creeps further and further in, and is itching to go through. As we approach, there is clearly enough space for us to get through to the other side (don't even get me started on people who block intersections), but she makes a move to go. Thankfully, she stops, but I simply raise my hands in disbelief as if to say: "Really? You really thought you were going through? Did you see that sign that says 'Left Turn Yield on Green'?" Our friendly commuter replies with a simple finger. I don't need to tell you which one.

So finally our turn approaches. We are turning left, no left lane, through oncoming traffic onto a side street. The cars approaching slow down, and I think: "Finally, we are out of this freaking gauntlet of morons." It was a short lived thought. The person on the side street turning onto the main road decides that this is an opportune moment to turn into our lane and cut us off.

Amazing. Revere, you as a whole get the award for the day.

Wednesday, 8:37 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: RT1 and 93 Juncture. A two lane ramp, the right lane merges with an oncoming traffic lane.
Perpetrator: Blue Volvo.

There are some things about driving that even a child can understand them. How do I know this? Well for one, when we are young, we are given drawings and encouraged to color in between the lines. It makes for a more ogranized, appealing drawing. So when kids look at a road, and see the dotted lines, I can only assume they understand that cars go inside those lines. This volvo must have been one of those kids that was incapable of coloring within the lines.

As we are approaching the two lane merge, I begin to merge as instructed. I go the same route every morning, and most of the time people understand that as two lanes become one, you take turns and go in order. Basic kid stuff, right? Not so much for this Volvo. They did not seem to approve of the way I was obeying traffic, and began honking at me. I'm not sure where he wanted me to go, as this is rush hour traffic. Well, this driver decided to show me exactly where he thought I should go: in between the two lanes of traffic. He swings around my left and fits in between me and the car next to me. He then slides in front of me and stays in the lane to take the exit. I just gave him a friendly wave. If you get a wave from me, it's my way of saying congrats, as you've just made my blog.

Tuesday, 1:30 PM. Brookline Mass
Locale: A two lane road, it now has a third left turn only lane at a stoplight.
Perpetrator: A green, wood paneled PT Cruiser.

First things first. If you are driving a wood paneled car, I'm going to assume a few things. I'm going to assume it was a great deal, or you had other restrictions limiting your choices to this, or it is a car you have owned for years, as this was once considered appealing. Second, if you are in a PT cruiser...my condolences.
However, if you are in a wood paneled PT Cruiser...I'm already judging you. I don't know what kind of disorder leads someone to believe that this is an attractive vehicle, but you are nevertheless behind the wheel.
I watch as the PT Cruiser abruptly swerves out of the left only lane. Now I have been down many a road and had the occasional "_____ Turn Only" lane catch me off guard. So, normally, this would not warrant a spot on this blog.

Then the magic happened.

The driver proceeds to turn on his left turn signal, from the right lane, and block me from going through the intersection. Congratulations Mr. Wood Paneled PT Cruiser. Today's award goes to you.

Monday 8:24 AM. Chealsea, Mass
Locale: Route 1 Southbound, A 3 lane highway that leads into a toll bridge.
Perpetrator: Red Dodge

Traffic is a pain in the ass. Boston traffic, much to my amazement, did not recently rank in a survey describing the Top 10 worst traffic cities in the United States. I guess I need to travel to some of these places to see what traffic is really like...well, maybe I won't. I don't really want to think about traffic being worse than it is here. Where was I? Oh right. Traffic: it sucks. The traffic on this route has become increasingly worse, as the 3 lane bride is under construction, and it is now two lanes. It gets backed up much further out than it did, which of course leads people to do more and more stupid things to get through it.

I understand the desire to get through the traffic ASAP. I definitely switch into a lane that is moving faster (despite the fact that it always stops once I do). I'm even constantly aware of which cars are in the lanes near me, so I can regret not shifting into lanes when I see certain cars way ahead. I've seen people do just about everything to get every inch they can, and this one definitely is in the top 10 for me.

We're coming up to a point on the highway where an exit lane merges with the rightmost lane of the highway. I'm riding in the right lane, just doing the old stop-go motions, when this Red Dodge behind me turns into the exit ramp, drives about 400 feet, and merges back in about 3 cars in front of me. Now, granted, there were no cars coming at the time. Who is to say that one wasn't coming just out of sight, and could have not expected a car in his lane that wasn't there a few moments ago. Further still, did it really make him feel satisfied to have leapfrogged 4 cars? Is that really going to make him feel like he won? Well, he did. He won my award for the day.

Sunday 4:35 PM. Braintree Mass
Location: Plain St, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: White BMW

Now, I did not intend to start this blog on a weekend. Typically weekends are much more slower paced, and have a significantly lower potential for people to be totally moronic. Well, besides weekend nights in the vicinity of bars I suppose. I don't tend to find myself near those, nor going anywhere where I would expect completely idiotic behavior.

Unless I'm behind a BMW.

I've already discussed how nice cars usually have the dumbest drivers. BMW's however are the creme de la creme of these wonderful people. Whenever, and I mean when freaking ever I am within a 6 car distance of a BMW, I'm just waiting for something stupid to happen. Regrettably...it never fails to occur. So here I am following this BMW down a two lane road. Double yellow lines, cars in front of him, clearly no room for stupidity. How wrong I was.

This wonderful driver decides that the car in front is not going fast enough. So as we're approaching the stoplight in front of us, which is currently green, the BMW decides to cross over the double yellow and go around the car in front of him. My mouth is agape as he swiftly swings around, nearly missing the oncoming cars which had to brake and swerve to avoid this genius. If it were me in the other lane...well, let's say I wouldn't have been responsible for the slew of language which would erupt from my mouth. He skirted back free of honks and fingers...but he could not escape the wrath of my blog. You sir, are a moron. Those yellow lines are there for a reason. I'm pretty sure that the lines still apply regardless of how expensive your car. You are not "hot shit". You are an idiot. Congratulations.