Friday 5:34 PM. Cambridge, Mass
Locale: The intersection of the Boston University Bridge and Memorial Drive
Perpetrator:     ...ducks.

So, after writing this blog, it really seemed like people were out to get me. Like everyone in the world knew I was looking for dumb people.

Now it seems that mother nature is after me too.

I really don't know what else I can say about this. I had read "Make Way for Ducklings" as a kid...but damn. This was ridiculous. The ducks didn't seem to give a crap that there were cars ready to run them down. They just walked on their merry way. I guess the ducks in Boston just know people won't mess with them.

Don't believe me? Well, here you go:

Thursday 8:07 PM. Malden, Mass.
Locale: Route 1...If you've read this blog, you know about Route 1
Perpetrator: Tan Toyota Camry

I'd like to talk a little bit about speed limits. I think that speed limits are incredibly amusing. They must be the least observed of all the road rules. What they really should have is a sign like this:

Go Between
58-68
Or Get a Ticket

No one actually listens to speed limits. I've seen people fly by cops going at least 10 mph over, and nothing happens. Most often, when people are complaining about other drivers not obeying the speed limit, it is because those drivers are soaring past them at breakneck speed. Today's winner took things at a different pace: a much, much slower one. Driving unreasonably slow, in my mind, is almost as dangerous as driving unreasonably fast. There's a certain expectation when you're on a highway that you drive at a reasonable speed, somewhere close to the speed limit. So, I'm coming up on this guy, and I start to slow down. I see a speed limit sign at it says that the speed limit is 50 MPH. I look to my spedometer. I'm going about 38. I'm right behind this guy, and he slams his breaks, as if to say "back off." I'm sorry, but when you're going over 10mph slower than the speed limit in the middle lane on a highway, I really don't think I'm being unreasonable for coming up on you too fast. Get in the right lane, or speed up. It just isn't safe.

So I go around our friend, and I look as I pass and I see him fling his arm up and down as he's mouthing some words to me. From what I could discern, he was telling me to slow down. Sorry dude, but it's late and I want to get home. If they're going to allow me to go 50, I'm going to go 50. I'm glad you're having a leisurely drive, but I'd rather not get rear ended by someone not paying attention.

Wednesday 5:14 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Armory Street, a Two Lane Road
Perpetrator: Black Ford Explorer

"Dan," you may say, "I love your blog. Obviously. But I have a concern. What if I'm not in my car, and I see you coming? Have I missed my shot? Is there anything I can do to be moronic enough to make your entry for the day?"

Yes, my intrepid reader. Yes you can. You see, for today's incident, our winner hadn't even made it into her car yet. She was so determined to be a nuisance that she decided to start before she got behind the wheel.

So her huge SUV is parked on the side of a two lane road. Now, sometimes the lanes are wide enough to facilitate such a parking position. These lanes however did not seem like they were suitable for such a placement. Now, as I'm one who parks often on busy city streets, I make my best effort to enter my car with ninja-like swiftness. I wait for break in the cars, and leap into the drivers seat, with the nimble skill of a mongoose. This lady's switfness was more on the level of a 3 toed sloth.

She gets to the driver's side door, then moves to the hood of the car and puts her purse on it. She places her coffee down and starts rummaging through her purse. Now the opposing traffic, not wishing to commit vehicular manslaughter, is forced to go well across the double yellow line, and cut into my lane. Our winner remains completely oblivious, and as I stop at the stop sign ahead, I look back and see that she has still not gotten in the car. Maybe it's just me, but if you can't find your keys or phone or whatever you need before getting in the car, take your time on the side of the car that doesn't have 2 ton piles of metal cruising by at 35mph. Unless you feel like winding up on someone's windshield...or worse, in my blog.

Tuesday 8:09 AM. Revere, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Washington Ave and Sargent St, A T shaped intersection
Perpetrator: White Minivan

They say the early bird catches the worm. Well, for early birds today, all they would be able to catch is the stupid. Today's driver has the honor of being the earliest driver thus far to make my list. Let me layout my commute for you:

7:55- I leave the apartment
8:10- I turn on to Route 1
8:30- I pass through the Tobin Tolls
8:50- I turn off of Storrow Drive
9:00- I get to work

Generally speaking, the stupid doesn't decide to grace my presence until at least 8:25. It must have had some Folger's in its cup this morning.

So in this T shaped intersection, the body of the T is a left turn for me leading to route one. I am waiting patiently at the red light to allow commuters coming up the body of the the T to turn right or left into one of the arms. I look across the intersection and I see that the car coming the opposite way from me has no blinker on. I always check, just in case they want to go on red when I get my green arrow. No blinker = we're good.

Or so I thought.

Even though the person who was first in line at the intersection wasn't turning right, that didn't mean that the person second in line didn't want to. He went over the double yellow, went around the first person, and took a right through the intersection...as other traffic was turning left into the lane he just cut into. I was shocked that he had the room to get through without hitting anyone. He did not however have the ability to dodge my eye, nor my blog entry for the day.

Monday 5:44 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: New Rutherford Ave, a 4 lane road
Perpetrator: Blue Camry

As you know by now, my route home is clogged more severely than the arteries of someone who eats fast food 5 times a day. This particular route is the way to the Tobin Bridge, a bridge you know all to well if you've kept up with this blog. The right lane is the exit to the Tobin, the first lane in is...the second exit to the Tobin, for all those people who don't know/don't care that the right lane is the only exit. Then you have two more lanes which go straight to 93 Southbound. These lanes can be a coin flip. They're either equally as stalled, or have no one in them.

In today's story, our intrepid driver is stuck behind the people who are sadly misinformed and making a last ditch effort to get to the Tobin. He does not wish to be going in this direction, so he changes out of his lane and into the third lane of the road. Unfortunately for him, that space was currently occupied by someone doing the same thing.

In most operational cars, there are not one, not two, but three rear view mirrors. They are there for a very important reason: no one behind you has any goddamn idea where you want to go or what you want to do. They are not psychic. If you do not use your turn signal, they don't know you're going to change lanes.

The person in the minivan who, no more than a second earlier, turned into that lane, had what must have been some of the fastest reflexes I've ever seen. I'm shocked I didn't witness an accident. They then slow down so they can pull up next to the car which almost took their passenger side off, and the guy just keeps going past them. Well, I can tell you didn't know where you were going, but I do know where you ended up: the winner's circle for today's blog post.

To anyone that came to this page for today's entry looking for a smile, a scowl, or possibly a headache, I'm afraid that you'll get none of those things today. As I'm sure you're well aware, there was a terrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado this morning. People of all ages, sexes, and races gathered for what was probably the most anticipated movie of the year. They were so excited by the prospect of watching the epic conclusion of Christopher Nolan's Batman saga, that they went to the very first showing, at 12:01 AM. At about 12:30 AM, a man came into the theater with weapons and terrorized the theater, killing at least a dozen of the moviegoers.

This man is a lunatic, a terrorist, a psychopath, and any other term which appropriately grasps the horror of the actions he committed. It breaks my heart knowing that there is such reckless disregard for human life in this world. I've been to midnight screenings myself, and the environment there is one of sheer jubilation. When you are dedicated enough to a movie that you deprive yourself of sleep in order to be one of the first in the world to see it, you have a clear emotional involvement in the movie. It saddens me that people in such a frame of mind could have their world turned into one of sheer terror, all because of the actions of one sick individual.

My deepest sympathies go out to the people of that town. To write a post today and consider anything I encountered today a "disaster" is just disrespectful.

Thursday 12:16 PM. Brookline, Mass.
Locale: Beacon Street, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Black Mercedes

Man, this week has just been on a silver platter for me. These driving disasters have been occurring seemingly everywhere I go. Today's entry happened 10 feet from my office building. The best part is, I don't even need to be in a car to witness some of the moments of genius. Both yesterday's and today's entries happened while on foot. A comforting fact to be sure, as I'm not in danger of interacting directly with these truly skilled drivers.

I work in an 8 floor office building which is 90% doctors. The rough part of this for patients visiting said doctors is the parking. Brookline is just awful when it comes to parking. There is no reasonable place to park for an extended period of time, and the metered spots are just murder on your wallet. Parking is king in this city.

So as I'm heading down the sidewalk, I see that one of the two spots directly outside the office building is open. This is prime real estate for sure. The spot directly in front of the available spot is occupied by a Black Mercedes that has the engine running. I see a lucky commuter coming in to grab the open spot behind the Mercedes when the unthinkable happens...

The guy in the Mercedes kicks it into reverse and backs up into the spot behind him, blocking the guy who was just about to pull in.

I think I did about a quadruple take.

My brain was just flabbergasted by what I just witnessed. I had to keep watching to see what was going on. The guy in the Mercedes gets out of the car and goes up to the other vehicle, who is still angled awkwardly across the lane trying to turn into what was once a parking spot. Dialogue of a nature that I can't even begin to fathom ensues, and the Mercedes driver gives a friendly wave and gets back in the car. On my entire walk to lunch, I ran through possible scenarios, but nothing I could think of made any sense whatsoever. Congratulations to the driver of that Mercedes, because my sheer bewilderment earned you a spot on this blog.

Wednesday 12:34 PM. Brookline, Mass
Locale: Beacon Street, a two lane road with a third "Left Only" lane
Perpetrator: Green Pickup Truck

We've all been there. We wind up in that fateful lane that tells us we have only way to go, and it isn't the way we were intending. What is a helpless commuter to do? The way I see it, you have several choices:

1. Take the turn. This is the least offensive option, and really only irritates yourself.
2. Sit in the lane with the signal trying to get out. This has the potential to piss off not only the people behind you intending to take that turn, but also the people who's lane you're attempting to invade.
3. Gun it. Shoot into the intersection and swing over ahead of the people who actually know where they're going. You look like the biggest douche using this maneuver, but it is the most effective way to get where you want to go.

Well, today's winner took it in a completely different direction.

He approaches the stoplight in the left hand lane as it's turning yellow. He slows to a stop, and then proceeds to go. Now, I'm not really sure where he wanted to go initially, but he goes from the leftmost lane and cuts across the other two lanes of traffic and ends up going to the street on the right. I really tried to comprehend what this guy was doing, but none of the options really made sense to me. Not only was it one of the most obnoxious cuts I've ever seen, but it just had no apparent sense in the realm of possibilities. Well, stranger in the truck, wherever you were intending to go, your route took you on the fast track to the winner's circle for today's blog entry.

Tuesday 8:41 AM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: 93 Southbound/ramp to Storrow Drive
Perpetrator: Blue BMW

My morning drive is fairly routine. I get on Route 1 South around the Route 60 Rotary. Traffic usually begins to form within the next 5 exits, and then eventually I get through the Tobin Bridge toll plaza.

That's where the fun starts.

It's like walking through the gates of the DumbDriverland, the most idiotic theme park in the world. Once you cross the threshold into Boston, all bets are off. You need to learn when to anticipate stupid behavior. As I've mentioned before, it is safe to assume that a BMW just means trouble.

Continuing the theme of the last few posts, today's story involves someone who was clearly in a hurry. This person started out behind me in the right hand lane. They switched over to the left lane, and started to follow traffic around. At this point, the right hand lane now becomes an exit ramp. That's when the BMW decides to cut back in, so they can take the exit. Understandable, but unnecessary. The exit ramp is now the left hand lane which leads to Storrow Drive, and the right hand lane which leads...also to Storrow Drive, but in a slightly indirect route. Often, the left lane will be stopped almost all the way back, and the right lane will have no one in it. At the point where these two lanes form, you often have people switch from whichever one they're in to the opposing lane. This is exactly what the BMW does. I follow her lead, and start to follow her around the bend. That's when my spider sense starts tingling. I have a feeling that this woman is going to make the classic, douche-head move and cut back in to the more direct left lane at the last possible second. Now, I have been guilty of this move in the past, but that was before I knew the right lane would also take you to Storrow Drive.

Sure enough, the woman cuts back into the left lane, just in time to make the exit. For those of you keeping score at home, that is 4 lane changes in less than 3 minutes, for the sole purpose of cutting around traffic. Unless she had another purpose: making my blog. Well BMW'er, mission accomplished.

Monday 5:28 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: Commercial Ave, a four lane road, with the left lane being a left only lane.
Perpetrator: White Company Van and Green Toyota Camry

One thing that you'll immediately notice is that there are two cars written in the perpetrator line of today's post. In my daily travels, I see at least one blog worthy post every day. Obviously. That is not to say that that person's behavior is the only thing I notice in a given day. There may be several potential winners in any given day. In the same idea, there may be many people who I see make the same stupid mistake nearly every day (hence the counter on the right hand side of the blog). This case however is a little different.

In today's tale, we are approaching one of the traffic lights along Commercial Ave. In the gauntlet that is my commute home, this is the signal that I've hit the toughest part of the drive. It is here that traffic grinds to a halt, and a good 20 minutes is spent going...probably about a mile. Knowing this, I try to get through every light I can. Sometimes people in their desperation block intersections. Others zig-zag into different lanes to get ahead.

This was a special move though.

I am in the center lane, going about 35 miles per hour. At this point the white van is about 30 feet behind me in the lane to my right. As we're coming around a bend, I see the upcoming light turn yellow. Now, I'm usually pretty fair about yellow lights, but even I'd have to say that I will more often than not make it through them. I'm not saying I gun it when I clearly have time to stop, but I definitely don't slam on the brakes.

So, using my best judgment, I think that there is definitely no time to stop. I can't estimate distance to save my life, but we had to be a good seventy feet when I saw it turn yellow. So I stop. The van, and the car behind him don't. By the time the light is red, I am rolling to a stop and the van is still a good twenty five feet away. This doesn't stop him though. "Ok," I think, "not too shocking. I guess he was going faster than I realized." A look of confusion then came over my face as the car behind the van flew through the red light too. Now, like I said, the van was a good car's length behind me, and the other car was behind him. Definitely blog worthy driving, in my opinion.

Friday 5:57 PM. Saugus, Mass
Locale: Route 1 Northbound, a three lane highway with shops on the right hand side.
Perpetrator: Black Jeep

To all the non-Massachusetts readers, if any, here's a little advice for visiting Massachusetts:

Don't go on Route 1

Ever

Route 1 is a North and South bound route that traverses from Newburyport to Boston, and happens to run right past my apartment. So, naturally, I travel on it quite frequently. Route 1 hosts a myriad of shops and attractions...and they're all equally painful to try and get to. The route is three lanes in either direction, and is therefore separated in the middle by a barrier. So often, you see your destination on the opposite side of the road...and have no clue how to get there. It's a headache, a pain in the neck, and it's also the only way to get to the two closest malls to my apartment. Turning onto this road from one of the sides is like playing frogger. You never feel like you're able to turn out. In traffic, people are also less inclined to let you in.

So for today's particular scenario, our winner was stuck behind a car trying to turn on to this bumper to bumper road. As I said, this is no easy task, and as such, is taking this person a little effort. Well, being Friday and all, this Jeep decides that they do not feel like waiting to turn into this traffic. They've got places to go, people to see, and sidewalks to drive over.

Yup.

The Jeep pulls out behind the car turning out of the shopping area and drives up and over the curb to get around them. Now, I understand that they are in a Jeep, and that Jeeps are designed for conditions like that. I just have a feeling that the Chrysler group didn't exactly have shortcutting traffic in mind.

Thursday 5:58 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: Bunker Hill Street, a three lane road, where the left lanes are merging due to construction.
Perpetrator: Blue Sedan

There are plenty of repeat offenders that I come across when looking for winners for these blog entries. There are only so many ways in which you can make rules of the road errors. Today's post involves not one, not two, but three previous posts that I've written about.

Today's winner occurred in the construction area of the non-Tobin bridge route. This person was clearly in a rush as he pulled a trick out of another person's playbook.

As I'm riding in the left lane, I see that beautiful orange sign that tells me lanes are converging. I love this sign because it tells me I'm probably about to encounter a blog post entry. Sure enough, as the left two lanes start to become one, I see a guy come from behind me and drive down the dotted white line in between what is about to be the two lanes. There was room for him to do this as left lane was still wide enough to accommodate the merging, but it was still a clear infraction of proper driving. It's as if when people enter a construction zone, or any zone where the roadways get a little messed up, they take that as their cue to drive wherever the hell they feel like it. Perhaps today's winner thought he was on his motorcycle, scooter, or other vehicle where it makes sense for him to drive in between two lanes of traffic. Doing this in a car just earns him one distinction: my entry for the day.

Tuesday 6:24 PM. Everett, Mass
Locale: Broadway St, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Red BMW

To quote the late, great George Carlin:
"Have you ever noticed that when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin' faster than you is a maniac?"
This could not more perfectly sum up how I felt going home. As I've mentioned previously, the two bridges I can use to get out of the city are both under construction. Each has lost a lane, the Tobin going from three lanes to two, and (what apparently isn't a bridge as much as a road over water, according to google maps) is two lanes down to one. So, it's pretty much a toss up between these two routes. Neither one feels faster than the other. The Tobin is faster once you get through the traffic, but the traffic takes forever to get there. The other route moves gradually, but has more stoplights and busses. You're stuck between a rock and a slow place.

This particular day I decide to go the non-Tobin route, as the traffic to the Tobin seems particularly frozen. As I navigate through a 2 lane merges and a rotary, I now enter the traffic light gauntlet. I can see the bus ahead of me, and I slowly approach it. It pulls over to the side to let people off, and I victoriously cruise around, until I nearly rear end this BMW.

This person must have been afraid of a bumper sticker on the car in front of them, because they seemed to require about 300 feet between them and the car they were following at all times. They very cautiously handled traffic lights, even slowing down as they got to them, just in case they turned yellow. Finally, after following them for about 10 minutes (which probably should have been about 4), they turn on their signal at a light. I can literally see my apartment from here, and can just feel my couch's warm embrace. I should have known better. It's a BMW after all. As they're turning through the intersection, something spooked them, because they dead stopped right in the middle of the turn. Then went. Then stopped. Then went again. Let me tell you, as soon as I had the room, I got right out of there and headed on. Not before giving them the ol' thumbs up so they know that their overactive brake pedal earned them my blog entry for the day.

Monday 8:55 AM. Brookline, Mass
Locale: Beacon St, a two lane road at a stoplight.
Perpetrator: Green Minivan

Welcome back everyone!
So I decided to grant a window of peace, because no one can drive well around the holidays. I think I could probably write a blog just on holiday traffic alone. Thankfully, the most traffic I encountered was on a boat on a lake, so I was quite alright with sharing the space.

Mondays are a tough day, even without a holiday the week before. The lucky ones got the whole week to enjoy. Some got no time at all. I took a fair break, tactically reserving Thursday and Friday off, for a super exteneded July 4th weekend. On Monday, I think that enthusiastic is one of the last words I'd describe myself as during my trip into Beantown.

That doesn't mean I seemingly forgot how to drive.

Its as if I never left. We're coming up to the stoplight right in front of where I work, and I see that it shifts from green to yellow. The minivan in front of me slams on the breaks, and the light goes red. I almost made it to my office, as it is down the road to the right. So I'm stuck behind this guy with my blinker on. "OK," I think, "I can see my office and there were no other drivers that could have earned my stamp today. I don't think slamming at a yellow is worthy." The driver had a few other tricks up his sleeve. As the light goes green, he turns on his turn signal and turns right down the road.

This one doesn't read my blog apparently. There is no sign at this light saying not to turn right on red. They sat through the whole light with no blinker, as I sat behind them, staring in my office window, then they decide to tell me that they're going the same way. Clearly someone was unprepared for a Monday.

Wednesday 5:36 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Commercial Ave, a four lane road, with the left lane being a left only turn up ahead.
Perpetrator: Blue Honda Civic

Everyone is in a rush these days. Whether it's in the store, in the car, or even when they're doing leisure activities. No one has the time to spare for anything. Especially other people. It seems like no matter where you are or how fast you're going, someone needs to get by you. Their priorities are clearly more important than yours.

This is the impression that I got out of the Blue Honda in traffic today. It was bumper to bumper. The only cars that were moving were the ones taking the left out of the left turn lane. They had a green light, while the other three lanes were stopped at red. Unfortunately for today's winner, the car in front of her was not intending to take this turn, and tried to get into the next lane. Well, this blue car was not happy about the other driver's mistake, and began honking. And honking. And honking. It seemed like this woman thought that the more she honked, the faster the car trying to get out of her way would move. There is finally enough room for the blue car to get around just as the light turns red.

Well, this did not stop our intrepid honker. She was in such a rush, that she took the left turn on the solid red light anyway, narrowly avoiding the oncoming traffic, which just got a green light. I don't think anyone was stopping this lady today. Nothing stopped her from making it to my blog entry either.