Friday 8:37 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Nashua St. and Monsignor O'Brien, a four way intersection of two lane roads.
Perpetrator: Silver SUV

From Wikipedia (because it's a totally reliable source to cite):
"Right turn on red has been practiced in the western United States for more than 50 years, with the eastern states adopting the law in the 1970s to save fuel (see 1973 oil crisis and 1979 energy crisis)."

I love the right turn on red. I think it is a wonderful rule that saves many people a lot of time. There's nothing more frustrating than staring at the "No Right on Red" sign and seeing no traffic coming from the other direction. You just feel the seconds of your life wasting away as you are forbidden by law from going where you want to go, despite the fact that it endangers no one.

In nearly every city in the whole country, this is allowed, because most people know how to make smart decisions. One city however, has the exact opposite ruling. In the big apple, you are forbidden to go right on red, unless the sign specifies that you can. After today, I can understand why this is the rule.

So I'm attempting to cross this 4 way intersection because I have a light that is green. You know, the ones you can...go on. Now, the road that I'm heading towards is a two lane road which quickly merges into one lane. This leads to an almost immediate backup. Like I said, my light is green, and I thought i could make it. What I didn't anticipate was this woman in the SUV turning right on her red light, and forcing her way in, leaving me stuck in the intersection. I'd like to quote now from the Massachusetts.gov Rules of the Road: Chapter 4:

"You can make a right turn on a red light only after you've come to a complete stop and yield to pedestrians or other vehicles in your path."

Apparently this lady never got her copy.

As I'm sitting there, blocking traffic because this woman thought it was ok to stop me from crossing the intersection by going right on red, the light changes. I'm getting death glares from the drivers, and one biker who was about 5 feet from my car. I'm just thinking to myself: "You know, I would have made it through, if this woman didn't go right on red to cut me off." She's the one who deserved to get the death stare. Well, she didn't. She did however earn my blog entry for the day.

Thursday 8:32 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Beacon St, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Taxi Cab

Cabbies. What can I say about them? They are notorious for their tendencies behind the wheel. They drive fast, loose, and will do seeming anything to get to their destination. Boston cabbies aren't even the worst offenders. From my few trips to New York City, I know that their cab drivers make ours look like limo drivers. Considering all this, the one thing we can be happy about, is at least they know where they are going.

Or so I thought.

I was under the impression (delusion?) that when your paycheck depends directly on your ability to navigate a city, that you would have some idea of how to do this. Now, I'm sure they don't have to pass any exams which ensure they are the most knowledgeable route planners this side of google maps, but you have to think that after doing the job for some time, they would have some idea of where they are going. Especially when they have electronic assistance.

This particular cab driver, not only seemed lost in regards to his general location, but couldn't even seem to decide which lane he wanted to be in. He starts in my lane, and then casually drifts into the left lane, almost hitting a car. The car honks, and he begins to drift back into my lane. As his indecision was making me nervous, I decided to go around him. As I passed him, I noticed he was using the GPS mounted to his windshield, while driving. With no one in the car...
I can't even begin to fathom where this guy needed to go so badly that he needed to reprogram a GPS while driving for, well, himself. It just didn't make any sense. It did get him somewhere though. An express route to my blog, as Thursday's winner.

Wednesday 5:49 PM. Everett, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Broadway and Beacham, a T shaped intersection with a stoplight.
Perpetrator: Blue Pickup Truck

So, I guess this weeek was just a back to basics week for everyone in Boston. By back to basics, I of course mean that everyone needs to go back and learn the basics for how to drive. Between turn signals, staying in lanes, and other seemingly simplistic things, the commuters of our fine city have managed to mess just about everything up. Today was no exception.

Let me preface this by saying that right now, the two major bridges that I can access to get home are  both under construction right now. Seriously? Whose call was that? Traffic is bad enough as it is. These bridges better be ready to collapse if they need to work on both at the same time. It better be a damn safety hazard, because the traffic it causes is most certainly a health hazard. Why? It makes people do stupid things.

I was behind this pickup for a good 2-2 1/2 miles. I'm guessing he was just about as fed up with the traffic as I was. We were finally getting to a point in the road where you could actually go above 7 MPH, and the road was now two lanes, instead of one. The relief was short lived however, as we now hit a slew of stoplights. Obviously, in an attempt to infuriate and/or mock us, they all start hitting red as we approach. So we come to this last stoplight, and he comes to a full stop as it goes red. Its commanding red light separating us from our destination. The traffic going the opposite way from us now has a green light, as some cars are going straight and others are turning in front of us down the length of the T stop.

Well, this guy apparently had enough.

After sitting there for a good minute and a half at this red light, he just decides to drive right through it. He almost gets hit by a car turning left down the T. Not only this, but he somehow inspired the car next to him to do the same thing! About 5 seconds later, the light goes green and I end up behind our impatient friend a few moments later. I was glad I caught up to him, as I needed to give him the old thumbs up for being my winner for the day.

Tuesday 5:04 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Powell St, a standard two lane road.
Perpetrator: Green Ford Escape

My drive in yesterday was a bit worrisome. People drove like they actually earned their licenses. It was astounding. I didn't see a single bone-headed move. I was truly troubled. I knew it would hinge on the ride home in order to find a winner for today. As always, my evening commute did not let me down.

Today was a failure of the basics. Stuff that they ask you for your permit test. It was nuts. It's like people saw me coming, and had to mess up the simplest of driving principles. There was a myriad of options at my disposal. It's as if they knew my ride in was way too simple, and they tried to outdo each other by being increasingly boneheaded. I could talk about the pickup-truck that almost sideswiped me on the highway because whatever he was doing was more important than staying in his lane. I could talk about the people that cut off an intersection for the entire cycle of my green light. I could even talk about the SUV that couldn't figure out where they were going in the rotary, and slammed on the breaks, to then take an exit (gues what, it's a rotary, you can go around again if you miss your exit!)

There was a feat however that trumped all of these. Someone screwing up something so basic, it boggled my mind: turn signals.

The turn signal is one of the few direct connections we drivers have to one another. Between Horns, Warning Lights, and middle fingers, it is the only one that is impossible to misunderstand. Unless you're incapable of using it correctly.

This person starts out in the middle of the road, and turns on her left signal. I see an oncoming car, and a street to the left. Naturally, I assume she wants to turn down this street. As the car goes by however, I see her pull all the way to the right side of the street, while her left signal is still blinking. So now I make an assumption that she's trying to attempt a turn around, so I stop and give her the room to do so. She does nothing. I give a friendly wave, as a way to say "go ahead." Still on the right side of the road, she then switches ther turn signal to the right blinker. "Ok..." I think to myself, and I start to go around her. She then, blinker still clicking, pulls back into the middle of the road in front of me. Now I'm lost. I have no idea what this one is doing. We approach another street, and the blinker switches to the left side again. "Ah. I see. Wrong street. I understand now," I say to myself. "She must just be lost."

An oncoming car goes by, and to my disbelief, she pulls over to the right side of the road again. Left blinker still flickering.

At this point I just give up, and drive past her. I have no idea what you were thinking lady, but, whatever it was, it got you my award for today.

Monday 8:53 AM Boston, Mass
Locale: The intersection of Charlesgate West and Beacon Street.
Perpetrator: White Honda

I truly thought we were living in better times. I thought people had finally wisened up and were making good decisions with their lives. I thought the world was a better place for all mankind.
Then came a moment that I hadn't seen in so long, it felt like a dream. I had to pinch myself. Is this happening?

Yes.

Yes it was.

Only it wasn't a dream. It was a freaking nightmare. This move is without a doubt, unequivocally, my most hated move out of all I've seen in this city. I've seen it cause an accident, and I almost got in one by someone doing it. It had been so long since it happened, that I forgot people were capable of it.

When you come off Storrow Drive at this exit, you can just see the madness which is about to ensue. You have the cars taking the exit, which always form two lanes, as the road splits into three, and another merging exit with a yield sign which merges into the rightmost lane. It is a clusterf*ck. But once the lanes are established, it's all good baby. Everyone is where they need to be. The problem is that not everyone knows where they are going. The three lanes are set up as followed:

|Straight Only|    |Right or Straight|    |Right only|

This point is clearly illustrated. It is written on the road, and there are two signs posted. Within 8 feet of each other. Two. 1, 2.

Without fail, people go straight across from the rightmost lane. Y'know, the one where you can go...RIGHT ONLY. Now, this used to be once a week. Easy. I take this exit every day, and without fail, it happened every week. I got in the habit of signaling from the middle lane just in case some genius decides to go straight. Because at that point, straight will be the way through my passenger side. Then a week went by. Then two. Then three! Hurray! No one is failing at simple directions! Life is wonderful!

Well, thank you crazy lady in the White Honda (who not only honked at the person she almost hit, she then flipped them off...with both hands) because not only do you get do you get the prestige of being my blog post today, you officially start a counter on the blog:

"Days Since Some Moron Went Straight Through that Right Only"

Friday 5:38 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Storrow Drive, one of the busiest rush hour thoroughfares in Boston.
Perpetrator: White Smart Car

The cutoff. It is a Masshole's bread and butter. If there was a driving school for idiots, it would be the first thing you would learn. Sure, there are variations: the triple lane swing, the in-and-out, the last second exit switch. Every once in a while however, someone just goes for the classic, textbook cutoff.

Now, I've encountered many vehicles which have mastered the cutoff. They typically fall into one of three categories: The Nice Car, The Monster Vehicle, and The Average Joe. As you'll come to learn (if you continue to read this blog) for some inexplicable reason, the nicer the car, the bigger of a jerk the driver. It's not just me who thinks this either. UC Berkeley did a study which confirmed my suspicions: http://articles.latimes.com/2012/feb/27/science/la-sci-0228-greed-20120228. Whenever I see a nice car, I generally assume they're going to cut me off at some point.

The Monster Vehicle can be anything from some souped-up 4X4 (usually with metal testicles hanging from the back and a slew of "America" stickers) to a freakin' 18 Wheeler. I really can't complain when this happens, as these cars will crush my little Matrix. Heck, they'll crush just about anything, so why even bother looking what's in the lane next to you?

Then you got your Average Joes. They're just trying to avoid what I call "Office Space Syndrome" which is when you find yourself in the only lane of traffic which is incapable of moving. They're tired, they want to get home, and they want to freaking drive. It's a road, not a parking lot! I totally understand the mentality, and have certainly been guilty of it myself.

Today's perp however was an alarming exception to the rule. He was driving a smart car. In Boston. At 5:38.

Wow.

To me, driving a smartcar down Storrow Drive is like running through the lion exhibit wearing a steak suit. It just seems like a bad idea. When a stiff breeze is enough to topple your car, flying through the worst road at the worst time is just brainless. Pretty funny for someone driving a "smart" car. They were undaunted by this scenario, and decidedly flew in front of me from the outside lane. Congratulations sir, you've got bigger cojones than the metal ones hanging from the 4X4.

Thursday 6:04 PM. Revere, Mass
Locale: Broadway, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Red Honda, White Cadillac, Tan Toyota, Black Mercedes, Green Toyota 

I really had trouble with today's post. Unfortunately, that trouble was rooted in the fact that everyone was driving like an idiot in Revere. I think that there needs to be more emphasis placed on right of way in driving school. It seems to be something that everyone forgets. People! If you are turning on to a road, you do not have right of way! In fact, most often, if you are turning anywhere, you do not have right of way! Get it in your heads. My girlfriend was driving this most precarious route, and was cut off by no less than 5 people turning in front of her. First came a red Honda which decided to fly into a space barely big enough for a motor cycle. My girlfriend has to slam on the brakes in order for him to get through.

Then, the next car in the obstacle course comes flying in from the left while we have a green light ahead of us. Somehow I doubt there was a malfunction which made both lights green at the same time.

Now, in most places in Mass, a right on red is perfectly legal. A right on red while the traffic you're attempting to join has a green light is perfectly not legal. Well, at very least not encouraged. That did not stop our intrepid commuter from flying into the intersection.

As we approached the next light, I can see the next move developing. Huge Mercedes SUV + Small Female Driver = Big Attitude. (I do not consider myself racist, sexist, or in any other way overly prejudiced. I simply find tendencies among people, especially in drivers. I do not mean to offend anyone with my comments.) This woman is turning through the intersection at which my girlfriend has a green light to go through. With each passing second, the Mercedes creeps further and further in, and is itching to go through. As we approach, there is clearly enough space for us to get through to the other side (don't even get me started on people who block intersections), but she makes a move to go. Thankfully, she stops, but I simply raise my hands in disbelief as if to say: "Really? You really thought you were going through? Did you see that sign that says 'Left Turn Yield on Green'?" Our friendly commuter replies with a simple finger. I don't need to tell you which one.

So finally our turn approaches. We are turning left, no left lane, through oncoming traffic onto a side street. The cars approaching slow down, and I think: "Finally, we are out of this freaking gauntlet of morons." It was a short lived thought. The person on the side street turning onto the main road decides that this is an opportune moment to turn into our lane and cut us off.

Amazing. Revere, you as a whole get the award for the day.

Wednesday, 8:37 AM. Boston, Mass
Locale: RT1 and 93 Juncture. A two lane ramp, the right lane merges with an oncoming traffic lane.
Perpetrator: Blue Volvo.

There are some things about driving that even a child can understand them. How do I know this? Well for one, when we are young, we are given drawings and encouraged to color in between the lines. It makes for a more ogranized, appealing drawing. So when kids look at a road, and see the dotted lines, I can only assume they understand that cars go inside those lines. This volvo must have been one of those kids that was incapable of coloring within the lines.

As we are approaching the two lane merge, I begin to merge as instructed. I go the same route every morning, and most of the time people understand that as two lanes become one, you take turns and go in order. Basic kid stuff, right? Not so much for this Volvo. They did not seem to approve of the way I was obeying traffic, and began honking at me. I'm not sure where he wanted me to go, as this is rush hour traffic. Well, this driver decided to show me exactly where he thought I should go: in between the two lanes of traffic. He swings around my left and fits in between me and the car next to me. He then slides in front of me and stays in the lane to take the exit. I just gave him a friendly wave. If you get a wave from me, it's my way of saying congrats, as you've just made my blog.

Tuesday, 1:30 PM. Brookline Mass
Locale: A two lane road, it now has a third left turn only lane at a stoplight.
Perpetrator: A green, wood paneled PT Cruiser.

First things first. If you are driving a wood paneled car, I'm going to assume a few things. I'm going to assume it was a great deal, or you had other restrictions limiting your choices to this, or it is a car you have owned for years, as this was once considered appealing. Second, if you are in a PT cruiser...my condolences.
However, if you are in a wood paneled PT Cruiser...I'm already judging you. I don't know what kind of disorder leads someone to believe that this is an attractive vehicle, but you are nevertheless behind the wheel.
I watch as the PT Cruiser abruptly swerves out of the left only lane. Now I have been down many a road and had the occasional "_____ Turn Only" lane catch me off guard. So, normally, this would not warrant a spot on this blog.

Then the magic happened.

The driver proceeds to turn on his left turn signal, from the right lane, and block me from going through the intersection. Congratulations Mr. Wood Paneled PT Cruiser. Today's award goes to you.

Monday 8:24 AM. Chealsea, Mass
Locale: Route 1 Southbound, A 3 lane highway that leads into a toll bridge.
Perpetrator: Red Dodge

Traffic is a pain in the ass. Boston traffic, much to my amazement, did not recently rank in a survey describing the Top 10 worst traffic cities in the United States. I guess I need to travel to some of these places to see what traffic is really like...well, maybe I won't. I don't really want to think about traffic being worse than it is here. Where was I? Oh right. Traffic: it sucks. The traffic on this route has become increasingly worse, as the 3 lane bride is under construction, and it is now two lanes. It gets backed up much further out than it did, which of course leads people to do more and more stupid things to get through it.

I understand the desire to get through the traffic ASAP. I definitely switch into a lane that is moving faster (despite the fact that it always stops once I do). I'm even constantly aware of which cars are in the lanes near me, so I can regret not shifting into lanes when I see certain cars way ahead. I've seen people do just about everything to get every inch they can, and this one definitely is in the top 10 for me.

We're coming up to a point on the highway where an exit lane merges with the rightmost lane of the highway. I'm riding in the right lane, just doing the old stop-go motions, when this Red Dodge behind me turns into the exit ramp, drives about 400 feet, and merges back in about 3 cars in front of me. Now, granted, there were no cars coming at the time. Who is to say that one wasn't coming just out of sight, and could have not expected a car in his lane that wasn't there a few moments ago. Further still, did it really make him feel satisfied to have leapfrogged 4 cars? Is that really going to make him feel like he won? Well, he did. He won my award for the day.

Sunday 4:35 PM. Braintree Mass
Location: Plain St, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: White BMW

Now, I did not intend to start this blog on a weekend. Typically weekends are much more slower paced, and have a significantly lower potential for people to be totally moronic. Well, besides weekend nights in the vicinity of bars I suppose. I don't tend to find myself near those, nor going anywhere where I would expect completely idiotic behavior.

Unless I'm behind a BMW.

I've already discussed how nice cars usually have the dumbest drivers. BMW's however are the creme de la creme of these wonderful people. Whenever, and I mean when freaking ever I am within a 6 car distance of a BMW, I'm just waiting for something stupid to happen. Regrettably...it never fails to occur. So here I am following this BMW down a two lane road. Double yellow lines, cars in front of him, clearly no room for stupidity. How wrong I was.

This wonderful driver decides that the car in front is not going fast enough. So as we're approaching the stoplight in front of us, which is currently green, the BMW decides to cross over the double yellow and go around the car in front of him. My mouth is agape as he swiftly swings around, nearly missing the oncoming cars which had to brake and swerve to avoid this genius. If it were me in the other lane...well, let's say I wouldn't have been responsible for the slew of language which would erupt from my mouth. He skirted back free of honks and fingers...but he could not escape the wrath of my blog. You sir, are a moron. Those yellow lines are there for a reason. I'm pretty sure that the lines still apply regardless of how expensive your car. You are not "hot shit". You are an idiot. Congratulations.