Friday 5:34 PM. Cambridge, Mass
Locale: The intersection of the Boston University Bridge and Memorial Drive
Perpetrator:     ...ducks.

So, after writing this blog, it really seemed like people were out to get me. Like everyone in the world knew I was looking for dumb people.

Now it seems that mother nature is after me too.

I really don't know what else I can say about this. I had read "Make Way for Ducklings" as a kid...but damn. This was ridiculous. The ducks didn't seem to give a crap that there were cars ready to run them down. They just walked on their merry way. I guess the ducks in Boston just know people won't mess with them.

Don't believe me? Well, here you go:

Thursday 8:07 PM. Malden, Mass.
Locale: Route 1...If you've read this blog, you know about Route 1
Perpetrator: Tan Toyota Camry

I'd like to talk a little bit about speed limits. I think that speed limits are incredibly amusing. They must be the least observed of all the road rules. What they really should have is a sign like this:

Go Between
58-68
Or Get a Ticket

No one actually listens to speed limits. I've seen people fly by cops going at least 10 mph over, and nothing happens. Most often, when people are complaining about other drivers not obeying the speed limit, it is because those drivers are soaring past them at breakneck speed. Today's winner took things at a different pace: a much, much slower one. Driving unreasonably slow, in my mind, is almost as dangerous as driving unreasonably fast. There's a certain expectation when you're on a highway that you drive at a reasonable speed, somewhere close to the speed limit. So, I'm coming up on this guy, and I start to slow down. I see a speed limit sign at it says that the speed limit is 50 MPH. I look to my spedometer. I'm going about 38. I'm right behind this guy, and he slams his breaks, as if to say "back off." I'm sorry, but when you're going over 10mph slower than the speed limit in the middle lane on a highway, I really don't think I'm being unreasonable for coming up on you too fast. Get in the right lane, or speed up. It just isn't safe.

So I go around our friend, and I look as I pass and I see him fling his arm up and down as he's mouthing some words to me. From what I could discern, he was telling me to slow down. Sorry dude, but it's late and I want to get home. If they're going to allow me to go 50, I'm going to go 50. I'm glad you're having a leisurely drive, but I'd rather not get rear ended by someone not paying attention.

Wednesday 5:14 PM. Boston, Mass
Locale: Armory Street, a Two Lane Road
Perpetrator: Black Ford Explorer

"Dan," you may say, "I love your blog. Obviously. But I have a concern. What if I'm not in my car, and I see you coming? Have I missed my shot? Is there anything I can do to be moronic enough to make your entry for the day?"

Yes, my intrepid reader. Yes you can. You see, for today's incident, our winner hadn't even made it into her car yet. She was so determined to be a nuisance that she decided to start before she got behind the wheel.

So her huge SUV is parked on the side of a two lane road. Now, sometimes the lanes are wide enough to facilitate such a parking position. These lanes however did not seem like they were suitable for such a placement. Now, as I'm one who parks often on busy city streets, I make my best effort to enter my car with ninja-like swiftness. I wait for break in the cars, and leap into the drivers seat, with the nimble skill of a mongoose. This lady's switfness was more on the level of a 3 toed sloth.

She gets to the driver's side door, then moves to the hood of the car and puts her purse on it. She places her coffee down and starts rummaging through her purse. Now the opposing traffic, not wishing to commit vehicular manslaughter, is forced to go well across the double yellow line, and cut into my lane. Our winner remains completely oblivious, and as I stop at the stop sign ahead, I look back and see that she has still not gotten in the car. Maybe it's just me, but if you can't find your keys or phone or whatever you need before getting in the car, take your time on the side of the car that doesn't have 2 ton piles of metal cruising by at 35mph. Unless you feel like winding up on someone's windshield...or worse, in my blog.

Tuesday 8:09 AM. Revere, Mass
Locale: Intersection of Washington Ave and Sargent St, A T shaped intersection
Perpetrator: White Minivan

They say the early bird catches the worm. Well, for early birds today, all they would be able to catch is the stupid. Today's driver has the honor of being the earliest driver thus far to make my list. Let me layout my commute for you:

7:55- I leave the apartment
8:10- I turn on to Route 1
8:30- I pass through the Tobin Tolls
8:50- I turn off of Storrow Drive
9:00- I get to work

Generally speaking, the stupid doesn't decide to grace my presence until at least 8:25. It must have had some Folger's in its cup this morning.

So in this T shaped intersection, the body of the T is a left turn for me leading to route one. I am waiting patiently at the red light to allow commuters coming up the body of the the T to turn right or left into one of the arms. I look across the intersection and I see that the car coming the opposite way from me has no blinker on. I always check, just in case they want to go on red when I get my green arrow. No blinker = we're good.

Or so I thought.

Even though the person who was first in line at the intersection wasn't turning right, that didn't mean that the person second in line didn't want to. He went over the double yellow, went around the first person, and took a right through the intersection...as other traffic was turning left into the lane he just cut into. I was shocked that he had the room to get through without hitting anyone. He did not however have the ability to dodge my eye, nor my blog entry for the day.

Monday 5:44 PM. Boston, Mass.
Locale: New Rutherford Ave, a 4 lane road
Perpetrator: Blue Camry

As you know by now, my route home is clogged more severely than the arteries of someone who eats fast food 5 times a day. This particular route is the way to the Tobin Bridge, a bridge you know all to well if you've kept up with this blog. The right lane is the exit to the Tobin, the first lane in is...the second exit to the Tobin, for all those people who don't know/don't care that the right lane is the only exit. Then you have two more lanes which go straight to 93 Southbound. These lanes can be a coin flip. They're either equally as stalled, or have no one in them.

In today's story, our intrepid driver is stuck behind the people who are sadly misinformed and making a last ditch effort to get to the Tobin. He does not wish to be going in this direction, so he changes out of his lane and into the third lane of the road. Unfortunately for him, that space was currently occupied by someone doing the same thing.

In most operational cars, there are not one, not two, but three rear view mirrors. They are there for a very important reason: no one behind you has any goddamn idea where you want to go or what you want to do. They are not psychic. If you do not use your turn signal, they don't know you're going to change lanes.

The person in the minivan who, no more than a second earlier, turned into that lane, had what must have been some of the fastest reflexes I've ever seen. I'm shocked I didn't witness an accident. They then slow down so they can pull up next to the car which almost took their passenger side off, and the guy just keeps going past them. Well, I can tell you didn't know where you were going, but I do know where you ended up: the winner's circle for today's blog post.

To anyone that came to this page for today's entry looking for a smile, a scowl, or possibly a headache, I'm afraid that you'll get none of those things today. As I'm sure you're well aware, there was a terrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado this morning. People of all ages, sexes, and races gathered for what was probably the most anticipated movie of the year. They were so excited by the prospect of watching the epic conclusion of Christopher Nolan's Batman saga, that they went to the very first showing, at 12:01 AM. At about 12:30 AM, a man came into the theater with weapons and terrorized the theater, killing at least a dozen of the moviegoers.

This man is a lunatic, a terrorist, a psychopath, and any other term which appropriately grasps the horror of the actions he committed. It breaks my heart knowing that there is such reckless disregard for human life in this world. I've been to midnight screenings myself, and the environment there is one of sheer jubilation. When you are dedicated enough to a movie that you deprive yourself of sleep in order to be one of the first in the world to see it, you have a clear emotional involvement in the movie. It saddens me that people in such a frame of mind could have their world turned into one of sheer terror, all because of the actions of one sick individual.

My deepest sympathies go out to the people of that town. To write a post today and consider anything I encountered today a "disaster" is just disrespectful.

Thursday 12:16 PM. Brookline, Mass.
Locale: Beacon Street, a two lane road.
Perpetrator: Black Mercedes

Man, this week has just been on a silver platter for me. These driving disasters have been occurring seemingly everywhere I go. Today's entry happened 10 feet from my office building. The best part is, I don't even need to be in a car to witness some of the moments of genius. Both yesterday's and today's entries happened while on foot. A comforting fact to be sure, as I'm not in danger of interacting directly with these truly skilled drivers.

I work in an 8 floor office building which is 90% doctors. The rough part of this for patients visiting said doctors is the parking. Brookline is just awful when it comes to parking. There is no reasonable place to park for an extended period of time, and the metered spots are just murder on your wallet. Parking is king in this city.

So as I'm heading down the sidewalk, I see that one of the two spots directly outside the office building is open. This is prime real estate for sure. The spot directly in front of the available spot is occupied by a Black Mercedes that has the engine running. I see a lucky commuter coming in to grab the open spot behind the Mercedes when the unthinkable happens...

The guy in the Mercedes kicks it into reverse and backs up into the spot behind him, blocking the guy who was just about to pull in.

I think I did about a quadruple take.

My brain was just flabbergasted by what I just witnessed. I had to keep watching to see what was going on. The guy in the Mercedes gets out of the car and goes up to the other vehicle, who is still angled awkwardly across the lane trying to turn into what was once a parking spot. Dialogue of a nature that I can't even begin to fathom ensues, and the Mercedes driver gives a friendly wave and gets back in the car. On my entire walk to lunch, I ran through possible scenarios, but nothing I could think of made any sense whatsoever. Congratulations to the driver of that Mercedes, because my sheer bewilderment earned you a spot on this blog.